Twilight Retarded Edition
by Twilightlover1518
Summary: LOL ITS PRETTY MUCH WHAT THE CULLEN CLAN THAT INCLUDES BELLA DO WHEN THERE BORED. HEHE warning: may contain funny contents that are just plain retarded please refrain from smashing the computer if you don't like my story. Thank you! : a tiny bit OOC.
1. Chapter 1

_**Twilight Retarded Edition**_

Bella: Hey Edward!

Edward: Hello Love how are you?

Bella: I'm great now that you're here!

James pops out from no where

James: I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!

Bella: O.O

Edward: *Growl*

James: *Snarl*

Edward: *Snarl/Growl*!

James: MOO!

Edward: …wtf?

James: I ran out of options.

Edward: Okay then.

James: Want to grab a mountain lion or two?

Edward: Sure

James and Edward skip off into the sunset holding hands and squealing like little girls.

Bella: O.O…

_**Next Day....**_

Bella: Hi Rosalie

Rosalie: Hello Bella

Bella: Your Pretty

Rosalie: I know

Bella: STUCK UP BITCH!

Rosalie: …

Rosalie: WHAT DID U JUST SAY TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

Bella: wow you really are a dumb blonde…ME. BELLA. SAY. THAT. YOU. ROSALIE. HALE. IS. A. STUCK. UP. B-

Rosalie bitch slaps Bella.

Bella: OH NO U DI- INT!

Rosalie and Bella roll around the floor pulling each others hair out and bitch slapping each other (Rosalie of course slaps and pulls her hair out very softly but to Bella it still hurts)

Jasper: Should we stop them?

Emmett: HELL NO!

Edward comes in room

Edward: WTF?

Edward runs and gets holy water

Edward throws holy water on Rosalie and Bella

Rosalie: um that did nothing.

Bella: IM MELTING! IM MELTING!!!

Edward: Heh, didn't see that one coming

While Bella is twitching on the floor melting…everyone eases out the room suspiciously. (hehe :D)


	2. Retards in the hooooouseeeee!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**On Saturday Afternoon…**_)

Bella: Thanks for saving me Carlisle.

Carlisle: You're welcome Bella.

Carlisle walks away while muttering under his breath "Edward is going to be in TRA BOULE!"

Edward comes into room while I'm to sexy for my shirt song random plays out of no where.

Edward: Hello love.

Bella: HMPH!

Edward: What's wrong love?

Bella: YOU TRIED TO KILL MEEE!

Edward: Oh yeah sorry 'bout that. Edward does crooked smile with smoldering eyes

Bella *-*

Edward: Am I forgiven? He says while doing crooked smile and smoldering eye glare..

Bella (while drooling) *-*

Edward being the retard he is (don't get me wrong I love Edward's character it's just funny OH MY GOD PUT DOWN THE TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!) doesn't notice Bella's reaction.

Edward: Oh no I'm losing my touch I better bring it up a notch. Edward makes puppy dog face. His eyes become pools of liquid gold and he sticks out his bottom lip.

Bella: o.o!!!!!!!!

Edward still doesn't see Bella's reaction.

Edward: Oh man now I know I'm losing my touch. Time to turn it up FULL BLAST!

Edward makes angel like adorable water like golden pools of eyes at Bella with his bottom lip quivering like he was about to cry and got down on his knees and hugged Bella while whimpering adorably.

Bella: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *self destructs from adorableness)

Edward: O.O….wow….I think I turned it up too high…backs away slowly…oh I forgot.

Edward takes off glasses.

Edward: These things are so hard to see out of…eh oh well.

_**Sometime Next Week…**_

Edward: Bella! Oh Bellaaaaaaaaaa!!

Bella runs down stairs trips over air tumbles down stairs and falls flat on face.

Edward: …

Edward tries not to laugh at his clumsy fiancée

Bella jumps up with crimson cheeks

Bella: I'm Okay!

Edward: I um got you something!!

Edward says with crooked smile

Bella: O.O :( you got me a present?

Edward: yes love I did! He says smiling so big because he's excited about his gift for Bella that his eyes were no more than slits and his mouth was almost bigger than his face. He was smiling so hard he didn't notice Bella was fuming.

Bella: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T LIKE PRESENTS!!!!!!!

Edward: O.O you don't like presents I give you?!

Bella: NO! I HATE PRESENTS!!!

Edward tears up (which is impossible but just use ur imagination!) and stares at ground with his hands in his pockets

Edward: But, but Bella! I got it special for you. he said while hiding his hurt.

Bella: Aw poor baby! I'm sorry you idiotic sun of a bitch!

Edward smiles

Edward: ITS OKAY!

Edward: Can you open my present now please?

Bella: Sigh fine!

Bella opens present and sees lamb

Edward: *SMILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Bella: O.o?

Edward: TAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I GOT YOU A STUFFED LAMB! FOR ANNIVERSERY!

Bella: Um, Edward? That lamb isn't stuffed…

Lamb eats Bella and walks away.

Edward: …

THE END!... PSYCH!

_**Once Bella was…umm taken out of the lamb…two nights later…**_

Bella is in shower washing lamb blood and guts out of her hair and off her body.

Emmett: Wow, Edward you're going to be in trouble when she's done. You almost killed her 3 times in the same week!

Edward: I know!

Edward says while sitting in a corner hugging his knees and banging his head on the wall.

Jasper: Hey I got an idea because I'm bored and emo!

Emmett: Um… okay what is it Jazz?

Jasper: Let's go upstairs and let's play in Bella's new dresses that Alice got her that she planned to burn when she got out the shower!

Emmett: BRILLANT!

Edward: …

Emmett and Jasper end up dragging Edward up the stairs by his ankles at the end of there argument.

After they got dressed and forcefully put one on Edward. They all hid in the closet. (if your wondering how they get Edward to do what there about to do, well they threatened to smash all his CDS)

Bella comes out of shower and and goes into room.

Emmett, Jasper and Edward burst out the closest striking a model pose. Next Top Model theme song randomly plays out of no where. They start strutting across the room striking fearsome amazingly gorgeous model poses. (author falls out chair laughing ass off thinking of this really happening)

Edward: SHUT THE F*** UP AUTHOR!

Me: sorry…..

At the end of Top Model song they all strike a fierce pose. (Edward on the ground propped up by his elbow with his head on his hand with a fierce look in his eyes. While holding on to his hip with his other hand. (ROFL DIDN'T KNOW EDWARD HAD IT IN HIM!!) Emmett had one leg on Edward's hip as well while he had his elbow on his leg and one hand behind his head looking fierce as well. And Jasper, well Jasper was leaning on Emmett with one hand on his hips and the other covering his mouth, in a fierce way (LMFAO!!)

Bella: O_O

*Cricket Sounds*

5 hours later…

Bella: O_O *twitch twitch*

Edward: Um, love? Are you alright?

Emmett: What's wrong with her?

Jasper: I'M EMO!

Edward and Emmett : WTF?

Jasper: Sorry…

Emmett: I say we get some more holy water…

Edward and Jasper: NO!?

Edward: Hey Author! What's with that question mark?!?!

Me: Um…well….SHUT UP!

Edward: **…**

Emmett: I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Emmett goes over to Bella and slaps the hell out of her.

Edward and Jasper and yes The Random Person: DAMN!

Bella: WTF!!! OMG GET OUT OF MY ROOM YOU STUPID IDIOTS!

Edward: Um love, this is MY room…your at OUR house remember?

Bella: …

Bella: (with voice of a evil person) GET THE F********************* OUT!

Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Random Person: O.O!!!!!

Everyone leaves Bella alone

Bella: They are seriously retarded.

Bella looks around…..Bella snaps her fingers and Top Model song comes on and she drops her towel to reveal gorgeous outfit and starts modeling for no freaking reason…


	3. Yo momma battle

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**Some Random Time Next Day…**_

Emmett: Hi Bells

Bella: Hey Emmett

Victoria Pops out of nowhere and butterfly drop kicks Bella in throat Chuck Norris Style.

Emmett: …

Bella: …

Edward: Hello Love

Bella: Hi Edward.

Edward; what's up?

Bella: the sky

Edward: …

Emmett: …

Bella: …

Bella: yo momma so old Moses was in her yearbook!

Edward: O.O oh it's on!!!

Emmett gets bear and popcorn and enjoys the show.

Edward: yo momma so dumb she asked what the number for 911 was!

Bella: O.O yo momma so fat, she stepped on the scale and it said to be continued!

Edward: yo momma so fat she stepped on that scale again and it said one at a time!

Bella: yo momma so hairy you got rug burn when you were born!

Edward: yo momma so poor I asked her why she was kicking a can down the street she said she was moving!

Emmett: Oooooh. O .O

Bella: yo momma so old her baby couldn't tell the difference between baby powder and her breast milk!

Edward: want to go to our meadow love?

Bella: sure!

Bella and Edward leave

Emmett: …

Rosalie: HI EMMIE!

Emmett: yo momma so ugly when she was born yo grandma said what a treasure and yo grandpa said ya now lets go bury it!

Rosalie: … DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME FOR A YEAR!

Emmett: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU EDWARD AND BELLA!

**_(HA IN YO FACE EMMETT! BWAHAHAHHA I KNOW THIS CHAPTER WAS LAME BUT I COULDN'T THINK STRAIGHT!!)_**


	4. PMS?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**(umm some time next week…)**_

Edward: I should probably get to Bella. She's been in my room all day.

Jasper: I wouldn't do that Edward. She's PMS ing

Edward: I'll take my chances (since Edward was clueless he didn't know that we girls can we total b********* on our time of the month…..HA!)

Edward walked up the stairs and knocked on his own door before opening it and poked his head in. "Hey Bells" he said going over to the bed, where Bella was laying in the fetal position moaning.

Edward: What's wrong love?

Bella: GUESS!

Edward: o.o um…. (omg the idiot actually tries to guess when the obvious is sitting right there in front of him!)

Edward: STFU!

Me: well it's not my fault you don't know that cramps are a normal part of PMS!

Edward: GUESS WHO'S FAULT THAT IS! YOU'RE THE ONE WRITING THE DAMN STORY!

Me: O .O *Gasp* *runs away crying while yelling…EDWARD DOESN'T LIKE MEEEE!)

Edward: …

Bella: …Okay then, back to me?

Edward: Can I get you anything love?

Bella: I WANT ICE CREAM! (that's the only food I love and can never get tired of… that and tacos lol)

Edward: Um, alright what flavor?

Bella goes into her thinking face (Bella scrunches up her nose while going cross eyed lying on her stomach while bending (somehow) her legs over her head so that she was looking at her feet cross eyed.)

Edward: WTF?!

Me: you can say that again….

Edward: I thought you left!

Me: I did but I came back when I realized that you idiots are lifeless without me writing the damn story so shut the f**** up and DEAL WITH ME BEING HERE!!

Edward: O.O….

Me: Oh yeah, I went there bub. Don't mess with me unless you want you arms handed to you on a silver platter. Now I suggest you get Bella out of that position because that looks like that hurts….

Edward: umm.... okay.

Edward takes Bella out of her "thinking face"

Bella: I thought about it and I want double chocolate fudge ripple ice cream. WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

Edward: ….um okay be right back.

Bella: Okay Eddie POOOOOOOOOOOO.

Me: *is on ground laughing hysterically because Edward is a retarded son of a bitch!*

When Edward came back with Bella's double chocolate fudge ripple ice cream with chocolate chips he put it in a bowl and ran ( at awesome vamp speed) and gave it to Bells.

Bella: What is this?

Edward: Your ice cream love

Bella: No its not…

Edward: yes it is?

Bella: NO ITS NOT! (She starts crying hysterically) I SAID I WANTED DOUBLE CHOCOLATE FUDGE RIPPLE WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!!

Edward: But love that's what I got you!

Bella: NO YOU DIDN'T!!! THAT'S CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

Edward: SON OF A B-

_**(umm moving on….later that day….)**_

Bella: sorry I went off on you sweetie.

Edward twitches in corner with chocolate ice cream and chocolate chips all over him and a bowl (half cracked) resting peacefully on his head.

Edward: It's…it's….it's…it's….

Edward can't form proper sentences at the moment, due to the fact that Bella just scared the living hell out of him. (*EVIL CHUCKLE*)

Bella: Thanks for the ice cream babe.

Edward: Your….your…..your….

Bella smiles and skips off happily when suddenly she trips over her long pant legs and crashes into the stair case, causing the railing to break off and knock her upside her head. When she gained consciousness she tried to walk back up the stairs. She made it to the top step. But dumb little Bella slipped on a random banana peel that fell from the sky (wink wink) and shot back down the steps like a freaking rocket. Landing, once again, on her face.

Edward: …

Me: …

Me: should we say it Edward?

Edward: You in Random Person?

Random Person: Let's do this

Random Person, Edward and Me: DAMN!!!


	5. I Believe I can fly!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**(After that incident…which was hilarious for me….Bella's not on PMS anymore….sadly)**_

Esme: EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN COME HERE NOW YOUNG MAN!

Edward: Yes Esme?

Esme: Edward go get your girlfriend off the roof!!!

Edward: WTF???

Esme: LAUGUAGE!!!!!

Edward: sorry mom.

Edward goes outside and back flips onto the roof (because he's awesome like that) to see Bella dangling by her ankles from the cable wires.

Edward: WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Esme: LAUGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: SORRY ESME!!!

I believe I can fly song randomly starts playing

Bella: I'M GOING TO FLY!!!!!!!

Me: heh heh this should be good.

Edward: …um love? YOU. CAN'T. FLY!

Bella: I KNOW EDDIE KINS! And Bells cuts wires and drops from roof and lands on ground with a big _**BOOM/THUD!**_

Edward: Author?

Me: yes?

Edward: you are one evil sneaky son of a b-

_**(Next day….)**_

Bella wakes up in hospital

Edward: you alright love?

Bella: no…..WHY THE HELL DID U LET ME JUMP JACK ASS?!?!

Edward: O_O…..STFU! YOU CRAZY TWIT! Edward slaps Bella hard.

Bella's heart monitor goes flat line……..

Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!! Edward backs out of room and runs for his life.


	6. GOTTA LOVE THE AUTHOR!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**(after Carlisle magically brought Bella back to life…)**_

Edward: How much trouble am I in?

Carlisle: It depends, how long can she scream without taking a breath?

Edward: O.O……….FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!

_**Edward: Hi Love**_

_**Bella: Hi Edward**_

_**Edwadrd: Um I have to tell you something.**_

_**Bella: What is it sweetheart?**_

_**Edward: umm….I ripped your favorite shirt….the one your mother gave you….that you adore….**_

_**Bella: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!**_

_**Edward: I'm sorry Bella I'll get you a new one!**_

_**Bella: O.O……..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**_

_**Edward: O.O!!!**_

_**Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**_

_**Edward: I'm sorry please calm down!**_

_**Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**_

_**Edward: Please Bella shut up!**_

_**Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**_

_**15 minutes later…….**_

_**Edward is in corner banging his head trying to figure out how to shut up his screaming girlfriend.**_

_**Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**_

_**Edward: LETS GET SOME ICE CREAM BELLA!**_

_**Bella: AAAAAAAA- ice cream?! YAY!!!!!!!**_

END OF FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!

Edward: Umm…….I should run shouldn't I?

Carlisle: That would be really smart Edward. Hurry she's almost here.

Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!! (before Edward could bolt, Bella came in the door.)

Bella is standing in door with evil look on her face while thunder and lightning crash behind her to add to the scary affect.

Carlisle and Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: GOT TO GO! I'LL MISS YOU SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: NO CARLISLE DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (that sounded kind of wrong ha!)

Bella: Hi honey (this sounds sweet but she said it in a tone so cold and evil her words froze and shattered on the ground)

Me: BWAHAHAHAHA

Edward: Okay Bella? can you wait to kill me for just a minute love?

Bella: of course!

Edward turns to me where I'm happily writing this story on my computer on the staircase in the Cullen house.

Edward: Author?

Me: yeeeeeeeeeesss?

Edward: Why are you so evil?

Me: It's a gift darling

Edward: Okay ONE don't call me darling TWO your EVIL!!! THREE!!!!!!! Okay well there's just two.

Me: Don't worry lover boy I don't like you like that and besides I call my friends sweetie and darling for fun, and second I'm happy you found that out early. Even Bella knew that I was from the start and she had a brain the size of a minced peanut! And oh contrare mon cherie there is a THREE.

Edward: and what would that be?!

Me: THREE; why did I make Bella so dumb?

Edward: Well, yeah but-

Me: well I'll tell you why DARLINGG (exaggerates the G sound) I made your precious girlfriend dumb is because weather or not you want to face the facts, and I'm saying this in the nicest way possible (for me at least) Bella is mentally retarded and weather or not you want to except that that's on you. and I know you Edward Anthony Mason Cullen you don't believe me, well let's go over the facts shall we? ONE this girl can trip over air. AIR!! How dumb can you be you trip over air?!?! TWO she's totally upsessed with you. Your smell, your looks, your hair your awesomeness!

Edward: my awesomeness? O_o….

Me: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!!!

Edward: O.O

Bella: umm I don't really appreciate you talking about me while I'm present, not saying I would like it better if I wasn't here but…..DON'T TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT!!!!!

Me: okay listen klutzy, ONE I'm writing this f********* story. TWO I can do anything to you guys just by typing the damn keys. Watch this lover boy and klutzy.

Edward ran over to Bella in dramatic way (there's really no slow motion he's just an ass) and tackles her to the ground and starts to slap the crap out of her.

Me: BWAHAHAHAHHAHA

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH THE PAIN!!!

Edward: MAKE ME STOP !!!!!

Me: Okay then…..(evil look)

Edward comes over to me and says:

Edward: You are the most gorgeous person in the world I'm leaving you Bella for the Author!

Me: (laughs hysterically)

Bella: NO!!!!!!!!! STOP IT PLEASE!!!!!!!

Edward: WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Okay then….oh you guys will love this one.

Bella: Oh Emmett!!!!!

Random metal chair falls from sky and Edward magically sits and chair and gets strapped down by metal bars. If Edward doesn't like what I'm doing he gets shocked.

Emmett: Yeah Bells?

Edward: NOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: KISS ME YOU FOOL!

Bella starts kissing Emmett

Author makes Emmett be happy with it.

Edward: MY EYES!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward gets shocked by wires that's on chair.

Me: So….who's in charge again Edward?

Edward: (while dry sobbing) you are!

Me: who controls this story?

Edward: YOU DO!

Me: who's queen of the world?

Edward: WTF??

Edward gets shocked horribly while I'm laughing evily

Edward: FINE!!!! YOU ARE!!!!!!!

Me: that's more like it.

Author makes everything go back to the way it was (none of this ever happened)

Edward: Oh and by the way before you go and change the story like nothing happened……..you must be pretty old to be so evil.

Me: hahahahaha that's where your wrong Eddie.

Edward: DON'T CALL ME EDDIE! And how old are you?

Me: *tries to hold back evil laughter* IM 14!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

EDWARD AND BELLA: WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**FIN!! LOL NAH IM STILL PLAYING THERE'S MORE TO COME PEOPLES!!!! (I REALLY AM 14 :D)**_


	7. She's Fat?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**Somewhere Over the rainbow…..or in Edward's room a month after that accident…..and no she's not pregnant!**_

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Yes love?

Bella: Am I fat?

Edward: NO!

Bella: You didn't even look!

Edward sighs and looks down at her torso (stomach)

Edward: O.O *twitches*

Random Person : DA-

Edward covers Random Person's mouth and throws him out window.

Edward: (Nervously) No, love your not obese

Bella: ……I didn't say obese….I only said just plain _fat._

Edward: …..

Bella: OMG I AM FAT AREN'T I!?!?!?!?

Edward: well you've been eating ice cream every other day, for two months……(what Edward didn't say was every time that Bella had a fit, he bribe her with her favorite…..well you can guess)

Bella: *GASP* Oh my god I am fat!!!!!!!!! *Bella runs off crying*

(in case your wondering Bella looks like this: starts off flat and then at the end a huge BULGE bwahahaha)

Me: *Light blub goes off in noggin* Edward! I got an awesome idea.

Edward: I already heard. Let's do this.

Random Person climbs back in room

Random Person: I'm in.

Weird Al "I'm Fat" song starts playing

Spotlight hits Edward who's wearing tight leather suit as are the rest of us (ha may I add, we all look pretty good)

Edward nods at both of us. A stage randomly appears and we all stand on it striking poses.

Edward: Your butt is wide, well hers is too, just watch your mouth or she'll sit on you (ha!) the word is out, better treat me right (ah) cause she's the queen of cellulite. (wow Edward can sing!)

Me: Ham on, Ham on, ham on whole wheat…ALRIGHT! (just a personal note we all can sing kay? Even Random)

Edward: Her zippers bust, her buckles break, she's too much girl, for you to take. The pavement cracks when she falls down (WOO!) She's got more chins than china town!

Well, she never used a phone booth, she never saw her toes. When she goes to the movies, she takes up seven rows!

All: Because she's fat! She's fat! Come on!

Random Person: Really, really fat!

All: You know she's fat! She's fat! Come on! Don't cha call her pudgy portly or stout just tell her once again WHO'S FAT!

Edward: When she walks out to get her mail, it measures on the richter scale! Down at the beach, she's a little woMAN she's the only one, that gets a tan! If she has one more, pie a la mode, she's gonna need, her own zip code! When your only having seconds she's having twenty-thirds. When she goes to get her shoe shined, SHE HAS TO TAKE THERE WORD!

ALL: Because she's fat! She's fat! Come on!

Random Person: Really, really fat!

All: you know she's fat! She's fat! You know it! You know! And her shadow weighs forty two pounds tell her once again WHO'S FAT!

Edward: If you see her coming your way, better give her plenty space, when shetells you that she's hungry, THEN WON'T YOU FEED HER FACE

All: Because she's fat! She's fat! You know it!

Random: Really, REALLY FAT!

All: Because she's fat! She's fat! Come on!!

Random Person: WOO! WOO! WOO! When she sits around the house she really sits around the house!!!

All: you know she's fat! She's fat! Sham on!! And you know all by my self I'm a crowd let me tell you once again; She's fat!

Edward: you know she's huge she's fat! You know it!

All: You know it you know! WOO!

All: you know she's huge she's fat! She's fat!!

Edward: HOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Michael Jackson yell weird al style lol)

All: and the whole world knows she's fat and she's proud just tell her once again.

Everyone points to Edward who comes from behind the two who were back to back with there arms crossed.

Edward: SHE'S FAT!

Bella: ….. and I was coming to tell you that I forgot I put a pillow under my shirt because it made me feel better!!!!!! YOU REALLY DO THINK IM FAT!!!!(Bella runs off crying)

Everyone: ……..*CRICKET SOUNDS*

ALL: DAMN!!!!!


	8. WOW

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In The Cullen Living Room….**_

Emmett: Dude, I would really hate to be you. First, you almost kil Bella like 10,000 times. Then, you call her fat. And now she kicked you out your own room for the day. Wow oh wow.

Me: BWAHAHAHAHA

Emmett: Edward was right Author, your evil.

Me: Thanks Emmett.

Emmett: No problem

Me: High fives Emmett.

Edward: Oh god I'm going to die.

_**Few hours later…….**_

Edward: Hey um guys? Have you seen Bella at all today?

Carlisle: No sorry son

Esme: No darling.

Emmett: Nah

Rosalie: Nope

Alice: no sorry.

Jasper: I'm emo so no.

Random Person: I haven't either.

Me: for once I haven't seen her around.

Bella appears at the top of the steps striking amazing pose.

Bella: Looking for me?

Bella walks down the stairs (without tripping once…….OMG IT'S A MIRACLE!) in model form with tight gorgeous black leather pants with tight very low cut baby blue shirt that shows her flat stomach and tight black leather jacket on with golden chains and six inch heels…(it really is a miracle…..) with her hair glossy curly and bouncy. With liquid ruby colored lips and glowing face with eyelashes that made her chocolate eyes shine. And gorgeous curvy figure. (no more pillow bulge!)

Edward: (while drooling) *-*

Carlisle, Jasper, Random Person, Alice,Emmett and Me: DAMN!

Esme: LAUGAGE!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle, Jasper, Random Person, Alice, Emmet and me: sorry…

Rosalie: OMG NOO! IM THE GORGEOUS ONE!!

Rosalie runs over to Bella and bitch slaps Bella

Bella gets knocked threw a loop, trips over air…..again…..tumbles down stairs and threw a window.

Edward: …

Emmett: ….

Alice: …

Carlisle: …

Jasper: ….

Esme: ….

Random Person: …..

Me: …….

Rosalie: BWAHAHAHAHA

Rosalie runs up to room to do her hair (for the 1447214 time today…..)

Me: um………wow.

Edward: you know author, that was just over the top.

Me: yeah I know she bitch slapped the taste out her mouth.

Edward: Pretty much……..

Me: she still looked awesome though

Edward: (while drooling) I KNOW……..

Me: Bitch slaps Edward

Me: STOP DROOLING!

Edward: O.O…….tears up and runs away crying.

Me: wow………..

END!!!!!!!!!! STAY TUNED FOR NEXT CHAPTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Somebody taps Author on shoulder who is sitting on couch typing away on her laptop in the Cullen house.

Author turns around.

Me: Ye-

Rosalie bitch slaps Author

Me: WTF?! IM NOT EVEN PRETTY!!! (well i dont think i am)

Rosalie: Eh I was just bored….BWAHAHAHHAA (Rosalie jumps out window laughing evilly)

Me: ………

(in case your wondering here's how I look….Big chocolate brown eyes…tan ish skin color….full baby pink/ very light brown lips. Dark brown hair down to the top of my half of my back. And a heart shaped face.) **_I KNOW NOT THAT INTRESTING BUT....IM DOING THIS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD....FOR ME, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS WRITERS BLOCK SOOOOO I JUST WRITE!!! SORRY IF IT WAS BORING!!!!! THX FOR READING! :)_**


	9. You got pwn'd

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**(In Bella and Edward's Meadow…)**_

Bella and Edward are cuddling while looking at the sunset and Edward sparkling like some gay freak.

Edward: I HEARD THAT!

Me: SHUT UP!!!!!

Bella: I never get tired coming here.

Edward: I don't either, as long as I'm here with you.

Author (who is hiding in tree writing the story) *wipes tears away* AWW THAT WAS ALL ROMANTIC AND S*****

Edward: WTF?! WHERE DID U COME FROM?!

Me: as if u didn't know

Edward: true.

Me: *gets evil idea* BWAHAHAHAHA

Edward: WTF!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO DON'T YOU DARE!

Me: Oh shut up lover boy BWAHAHAHAHA

Edward: Oh yeah? *Evil Chuckle*

Me: umm Edward? Umm what cha doing?

Edward: *while he has evil smile on face* As if YOU didn't know.

Me: O.O

Bella: ……wow I'm forgotten again………

Edward: (ignoring Bella……like we all do Bwahahaha) I Edward Anthony Mason Cullen challenge you author-

Me: my name isn't author dumb ass.

Edward: care to tell me what your name is.

Me: No.

Edward: …..

Edward: Fine I'll just read your mind

Me: if you wish……….EVIL LAUGH

Edward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NOT BARBIE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: hahahahahahahahaha no seriously go ahead I'm thinking it right now

Edward: *reads mind* O.O!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BARNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: (laughs hysterically)

Me: okay enough the readers are going to get bored. My name is Gabrielle.

Edward: really?

Me: yup (pops the P sound)

Edward: heh okay then.

Edward: as I was saying….I challenge you to a Ooh!

_**Okay readers? This is a game me and friends play….we go back and forth making up comebacks to one another until one person stalls. We call it Ooh cuz you know when you get pwn'd ppl are like Oooh so ya.**_

Me: (back flips out of tree and lands on feet) okay Edward your on.

Edward: ummm how did u do that??

Me: wow your dumb, it's a story Edward. Anything can happen.

Edward: (mumbles) psh know it all.

Me: I heard that

Edward: okay whatever lets just start!

Me: bring it, but I must warn you….I don't know the meaning of playing nice with others. (smiles evily)

Edward: *shudders* o-okay lets start then.

Me: okay then you first lover boy.

Edward: your face so ugly when you looked in the mirror the mirror punched you in the face.

Me: *yawn* your so ugly when it was lunch time at your school they said sorry we don't feed the monkeys.

Bella: O .O

Edward: your so stupid you thought a quarter back was a tax refund.

Me: I'm in eighth grade I don't get tax refunds.

Edward: JUST SHUT UP!

Edward: your so ugly when you went to the zoo they yelled ONE OF THE ANIMALS ESCAPED!

Me: your so fat when you were getting a tan at the beach people kept yelling, FREE WILLIE!

Edward: your stink so bad you have to creep up on bath water.

Me: your so dumb your getting beat up by a teenager who's younger than everyone in this story seeing as though you're a 108 years old and Bella is 18 and I'm only 14 jack ass!!!!.

Edward: O.O………..YOUR MOM!!!!!!!

Me: *evil idea* jumps into tree gets laptop climbs back down tree and does back flip off last 10 limbs of the tree and sits cross legged on the grassy ground at vampire speed.

Edward: O.O?!?!?!?!

Me: jealous much?

Edward: Don't do what your thinking

Me: oh you want me to sing Barbie girl?

Edward: NO GOD NO!!!!!!!

Me: aww you want me too? Okay! *sings Barbie girl backwards in head in Greek and Japanese.*

Edward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Me: now for my evil plan…..re writes story.

Esme appears out of no where.

Esme: EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!

Edward: yes mom?

Esme: YOU COME HOME RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN! YOU LEFT YOUR BARBIES OUT AFTER YOU PLAYED WITH THEM FOR HOURS AND ENJOYED IT! THERE ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND I BROKE SOME OF THEM JUST BY STEPPING ON THEM!

Bella: *mouth is on ground*

Edward: O_O…..

Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Esme: YOU TOO GABRIELLE! YOU GET IN THAT HOUSE AND STOP EVIL CHUCKLING!!!!!!!!!

Me: O.O……..yes Esme…….(HEY IM THE AUTHOR! I CAN BE PART OF THE FAMILY IF I WANT!! :D)

_**Never under estimate Esme's evil ness…….anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was bored and couldn't think…….you could say I have writers block but I know no such thing!!!!! So sorry if ur bored by now :( **_


	10. Eh?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In Edward's Room……..Saturday Night….**_

Bella: Edward?

Edward: yes love?

Bella: doesn't it bother you that we have absolutely no privacy due to the Author and Random Person?

Edward: I guess….

Bella: you guess?

Edward: yeah I mean the Author is here so she can write the story and well random person just randomly (hence his name) pops out of no where, and besides the only word he knows how to say is DAMN!

Random Person randomly pops up

Random Person: DO NOT!!!

Random Person disappears again.

Edward: well then I stand corrected….

Bella: ……

Bella: you know, Edward, I think we should do something about them. What if they try to come on our honeymoon?

Author is in corner of room sitting on her own personal bed that Esme randomly gave her in Edward's room….

Me: She has a point Edward you know me and random will come……..the story is just boring without us! And besides me and random are brother and sister.

Edward: that explains so much……..

Me: yup (pops P sound)

Bella: Anyways I want to have privacy with my Adonis!

Me: heh good luck with that!

Bella: *Scowl*

Me: hehe your funny looking

Bella: OH NO YOU DI INT!

Bella: EDWARD! HOLD ME BACK, HOLD ME BACK!!

Edward holds Bella back while doings weird face (O.O!!!)

Bella: LET ME AT HER!! LET ME AT HER!

Author gets up and runs up to Bells at vampire speed.

Edward: wait hold up (Edward drops Bella who lands on the ground with a _**THUD**_

Me: HAHAHAHA

Edward steps over Bella

Edward: how are you acting like a vamp but you look human??

Me: eh.

Edward: that didn't really answer my question.

Me: eh.

Edward: answer me!

Me: eh.

Edward: WHAT DOES EH MEAN!?!?!?!?!?!

Me: eh?

Edward: ANSWER OR I'LL BITE YOU BECAUSE IM RETARDED AND IM NOT THINKING OF THE DAMAGE I CAN DO IF I DO BITE YOU NOT TO MENTION THE VOULTOURI COMING TO SLAUGHTER ME!!!!!

Me: …………..Eh?!

Edward; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *Bites Author*

Me: ………EH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Bella: …….

Random Person: hey sis I got Chinese foo- WTF??!?!?!

Bella: Ooh kung pow chicken!

_**Ummm three days after Edward now known as the jack ass bit me…….**_

Esme: YOUR IN BIG TROUBLE YOUNG MAN!!

Emmett: hey rose? Want to go "hunting"

Rosalie: sure

Alice and Me: eww…

Jasper: Does Emo face…(o.)

Carlisle: I'm pretending to be a doctor because I have no power and I'm not awesome like the rest of the family and I barely show up in this story unless I'm saving Bella from a tragedy caused by Edward, Author-

Me: ITS GABRIELLE!

Carlisle: FINE! Gabrielle or Random person

Carlisle: wait, does your brother have a name?

Me: no his name really is Random Person.

Everyone but me and random : …..

Carlisle: so Edward? What was the reason you bit Gabrielle?

Me: you know what I'm starting to like this family so you can all just call me Gabby.

Carlisle: if you wish.

Me: what are you a genie?

Carlisle: umm……so Edward why did you do it?

Me: eh…

Edward: THAT! THAT'S WHY!

Carlisle: because she said….eh?

Edward: YES! I SWEAR SHES WAS CREATED JUST TO ANNOY ME!!!

Carlisle: so you bit her and risked our family's secret and not to mention the voultori with that gay dude Aro coming to drop kick us just because she said EH?

Edward: ….

Me: um Edward, I forgot to mention that I was eating a caramel apple when I was at the computer and some of the caramel dripped off onto the key board and the only letters that I could still type was E. H.

Edward: …..

Carlisle: …….

Rosalie and Emmett: MOAN!!!!!

Alice: …..ew

Jasper is in corner trying to cut him self but the razor only gets damaged by his rock hard skin.

Jasper: DAMN YOU MARBLE SKIN!!!!

Everyone except Jasper: ………

Random Person: So…….well that's not fair! My baby sister if a vamp and I'm just random!

Me: your not just random! Your also mentally challenged!

Random Person: HEY YOUR RIGHT! THANKS SIS!

Me: ……..

Me: your welcome my poor retarded brother.

Edward: so………eh?

_**Some time next week…….**_

KNOCK KNOCK!

Esme: who could that be?

Edward: I don't know…or care…….

Esme; EDWARD!!

Edward: sorry mom…..

Me: *chuckles*

Edward: shut up!

Me: make me!

Edward: I DON'T MAKE TRASH I BURY IT!

Me: so you bury yourself?

Edward: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Esme: CHILDREN!!!!

Edward and Me at same time: HE/SHE STARTED IT!

Edward and Me same time again: NO I DIDN'T YOU DID!

Me and Edward: YES YOU DID!!

Esme: SHUT UP AND GET THE DOOR!!!!

Bella: I'm just really invisible unless I get hurt in this story…….

Me: re writes story…..

Edward: wait no!

Edward for some reason *wink wink* punches Bella in back on the head,

Bella falls unconscious on the floor.

Me: FINALLY!

Edward: I hate you….

Me: I know!

Edward: SCOWL!!!

_**After 10 minutes of Edward and me fighting about who's better we finally got the door,,,,,**_

Esme: um Aro, nice to see you again…

Aro: OMG Esme, those shoes are FIERECE!

Everyone: ….

Me: oh so your that weird gay dude who's leader of the Voulturi….

Aro: oh and whose this little sugar plum? (says in gay voice)

Everyone at same time: newest member…..

Me: *nods while smiling sweetly*

Me: you see Aro, we had a little predicament and well here I am, I mean you guys dont have a problem with me do you?

Esme: no sweetie of course not!

Carlisle: no, we don't mind at all

Emmett: hey I got another baby sister! AWESOME!

Rosalie: Well she almost looks like Bella and I grown to like her so she can stay.

Jasper: I don't mind it.

Me: wow something that doesn't envolve his Emo-ness.

Alice: I saw the future and me you and Bella are going to be amazing friends!

Random Person: HEY WHAT ABOUT ME?!!?!?!

Everyone: WHAT ABOUT YOU??

Random Person: thats cold.....

Everyone: eh.

Aro: so anyway girlfriend i can see there ain't no problems up in herr sooo I'm gonna roll out PEACE BITCHES,

Everyone: ....

Everyone: eh........

FIN!!!!!! STAY TUNED FOR MORE CHAPTERS!!!!


	11. Karaoke Anyone?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**(At a karaoke party hosted by me and our personal pixie Alice! Woo!)**_

Alice and Me in unison: Hey everybody this is our first karaoke night so we hope you have a good time and enjoy yourselves!

Me: oh and Belle? There's plenty of food for you.

Bella: thanks Gabby.

Me: no problem :)

Me: alright first off is…..

Alice: Emmett!

Me: heh this should be good…..

Emmett comes onto stairs

Emmett: HEY EVERYBODAAY!

*cricket sounds*

Emmett: yall know that aint right!

Everyone in unison: JUST SHUT UP AND SING!

Emmett: O.O…..

Edward: O_O…*Twitches*

Bella: what's wrong?

Edward: h-h-he's g-g-gonna s-sing BARBIE GIRL!!!!

Everyone but me: *TWITCHES!!* O.O!!!!!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

After 20 minutes of torture....

Everyone including me except Emmett: O.O…..*TWITCHES!!!!!!!!!!*

Me: umm…….wow okay next is…

Alice: O.O………

Me: alice??

Alice: O.O………..

Me: eh…..okay well next is…….Carlisle!

Everyone cheers

Emmett: HEY!

Carlisle: Um thank you, I'm going to sing….I can go the distance.

_**I really want to get to the surprise I'm writing for Bells so let's skip to after he sings,,,,**_

Everyone: *CHEERS!*

Emmett: yall know that just aint right! It aint right I say!!!!!

Me: whatever Emmett. Next is….Rosalie!

Everyone: *Cricket Sounds*

Rosalie: *DEATH GLARE!!!!!!!!!!*

Everyone: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!*

Rosalie *smiles* Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me……..

……_**.**_

AFTER THE SONG………..

Me: okay then……..Next up is Eddie!

Edward: *GLARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Me: sorry Eddie boy doesn't work on us.

Edward glares at us for a couple more minutes then finally comes up on the stage.

Edward: LA. Okay I'm done.

Bella: *with tears in her eyes, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

Everyone except Edward and Bells : WTF???

Me: uhh okay…..next up is….JASPER!

Jasper: Girls call you s and they don't care what they say. Every time you turn around they screaming yo name. Girls call you s and they don't care what they say. Every time they turn around they screaming yo name. Now I got a confession

Jasper: HAHAHAHA (in high pitch girly voice)

Jasper: when I was young I wanted attention.

Jasper: HAHAHAHA

Jasper: I promised myself I do anything!

Jasper: HAHAHA

Jasper: anything at all from them to notice meee

Jasper: HAHAHA

Jasper: *idk all the word so…….Eh.* WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA BE FAMOUS I WANNA BE A STAR I WANNA BE IN MOVIES WHEN I GROW UP I WANNA SEE THE WORLD DRIVE NICE CARS I WANNA HAVE-

Me: (takes mic from Jasper and pushes Jasper back in seat) Boy what's wrong with you?

Jasper: I wish I knew…..

Everyone: …..

Me: so next up is Alice!

Alice: thank you Gabby.

Me: your welcome pixie stick.

Alice: everyday of my life is filled with love for you (she sings while pointing to Jasper) la la la….la la la…….la la la la la la la la do do do do DO DO. (she goes waaaaaaay up high but still sounds angelic)

Everyone: *Mouth is on ground*

Everyone: Random?

Random Person: DAMN!

Me: wow Alice wow, um okay next up is…..ME!!

Everyone but Emmett and Edward and Rosalie and Jasper: WOO!

Me: …..

Me: (in angelic voice) I pray you will be my eyes. And watch her where she goes. And help her to be wise. Help me to life go. Every mother's prayer. Every child knows. Lead her to a place. Guide with your grace. To a place where she'll be safe. Lead her to a place! Guide her with your grace! To a place that she'll be…..safeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Everyone including Random: DAMN!!!!

Me: smiles like angel

Everyone: *-*

Me: oh sorry used the power again hehe.

Next up is Esme.

Esme: sorry darling I'm not singing this time.

Me: why not Esme?

Esme: I don't know any good songs.

Me: okay then…….

Edward: HEY WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK BELLA YET?!?!?!?!?!

Me: Don't worry Eddie I saved Bella for last! Because she's the best part!!!

Edward: well, that was nice of you

Me: yeah well don't get all mushy on me Eddie.

Edward: *rolls eyes*

Bella: okay, um I dedicate this song to my personal Adonis.

Edward: *crooked smile*

Bella: *-*

Me: *rolls eyes* walks over to Bella and slaps the spit out her mouth

Bella: WTF?!?!?!

Me: your welcome.

Bella: …….

Bella: anyways…..

Bella: Late at night when all the world, is sleeping, I stay up and think of you *she points to Edward*….and I wish on a star, that somewhere you are thinking, of me too….*music* Cuz I'm dreaming. Of you tonight, till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight.

And there's no where in the world, I rather be. Than here in my room, dreaming about, you and me.

Wonder if you ever see me, and then I wonder if you know I'm there. If you looked in my eyes to see what's inside, would you even care? I just want to hold you close, but so far all I have are dreams of you. So I wait for the day, and the courage to say how much, I love you. YES I DO! I'll be dreaming of you tonight, till tomorrow. I'll be holding you tight! And there's no where in the world, I rather be. Then here in my room, dreaming about, you and meeee

Bella starts singing in Spanish.

Bella: Coraz'on, *I cant stop dreaming of you* No pudo dejar de pensar en ti, *I cant stop dreaming of you* C'omo te necesito mi amor, C'omo te extra'no

Everyone Is stunned into silence.

Bella: Late at night when all the world, is sleeping, I stay up and think of you, and I still cant believe that you came up to me and said, I love you. I love you too. Now I'm dreaming. With you tonight, till tomorrow, and for all of my life. And there's no where in the world I rather be. Than here in my room. Dreaming with you endlessly! With you tonight. And there's no where in the world I rather be. Than here in my room. I'll be dreaming……with you tonight. Endlessly. Ill be holding you tight.

Dreaming……..with you…….TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone broke out clapping.

Me: *claps and whistles* WOO! GO BELLS!

Random Person: DAMN BELLS!

Edward: that was beautiful love.

Me: I told you she would be the best.

Edward: oh really? and how did you know?

Me: cuz i wrote it. *hehe*

_**FIN! OKAY THERE IS MORE TO COME AND I WROTE A NEW STORY THAT TAKES PLACE AFTER THIS, ITS CALLED TANYA HOW BAD OF YOU TO VISIT THANKS FOR READING LOVE U GUYS GRACIAS AND ADIOS. :)**_


	12. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EDDIE!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**On Edward's Birthday……..**_

Author *Gabrielle* runs upstairs into Edward's room where Bells is sleeping and Edward is reading.

Author puts hand on door and pushes softly.

Door collapse.

Edward: WTF?!?!

Bella: SNORE!!!!!!!!!! *DROOL*

Random Person: ew….and DAMN!!!!

Me: EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: WHAT!?!?!?!

Me: COME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: FINE!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett runs upstairs

Emmett: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Me: ITS EDDIE'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: WOO!!!!!!!

Me and Emmett run out room for 5 seconds.

Edward: o_o…..

Me and Emmett come back and scream in unison: HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Emmett pick up Edward *I have vamp strength too you know….I was changed after all…..:D)

We carry Edward to basement where we throw him into a chair with a _**THUD**_

We strap him too the chair with steel metal wires vamps can't even break out of.

Emmett: HOPE YOU LIKE OUR GIFT EDDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: o_o……..

Me: HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Emmett drag in LLAMA!

Edward: o_o…….

Me and Emmett: TAAAA DAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Emmett have smiles bigger than our faces. You can't even see our eyes,nose or ears or even hair. It just looks like a smile on a neck………

Edward: o_o………

Me and Emmett grab Edward and throw him on LL MA'S back for a ride.

LLAMA groans, falls on ground dead and turns to bloody dust.

Edward sits on ground making same facial expression

Edward o_o…….

Me: Ooh, I forgot vampires are like stone………

Bella: (SNORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) *DROOL!*

Bella wakes up……..

Bella: Ooh!! I just remembered! It's Edward's BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

Bella starts to get dressed.

Bella: I hope he likes the mountain lion I got him!!

_**DONT KILL ME JUST YET THERES MORE TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)**_


	13. Staring Contest Anyone?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**Me and Eddie boy are in the living room having a staring contest….**_

Me: O_O

Edward: O_O

Bells: Um, Rose? What are they up too this time?

Rosalie: Staring contest.

Bella: should have known….

Edward: O_O….

Me: O_O..

Edward: (while staring) O_O…….face it your going to lose Gabby.

Me: O_O…..In your dreams lover boy…..

Bella: how long has this been going on?

Alice and Rosalie in unison: 2 and a half hours…….

Bella: YOU GUYS CAN GO WITHOUT BLINKING FOR THAT LONG?!!?!?

Alice and Rosalie in unison: yup.

Bella: O.O…

Edward: O_O……

Me: O_O….(WITHOUT BLINKING) EDWARD LOOK! BELLA FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AND CRACKED HER HEAD OPEN!

Edward: O_O…-_-….O.O!!!! (all that means, he was staring, then he blinked….now he's in shock)

Edward: I WILL SAVE YOU!!!

Me: (laughs on ground hysterically)

Everyone but Edward: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Edward: ??? (realizes what happened)

Edward: O.O…….DAMN!!!!!!!!!

Random Person: HEY THAT'S MY LINE!

Edward: .......SCREW YOU!

Me: I didn't know Edward was a sore loser.

_**THE END……. :)**_

_**DON'T WORRY THERE WILL BE MORE CHAPTERS DON'T GET YOUR GUNS OUT JUST YET! :D**_


	14. NOT AGAIN!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**On In Edward's Bathroom…..**_

Edward is in the bathroom over the sink washing gunk out of his hair.

Author *known as Meeee* is leaning on wall talking to Eddie!

Me: So remind me again why you have chocolate, peanut butter and a slice a bread in your hair?

Edward: Bella's PMS ing again.

Me: Ah. So what didn't you get her that she wanted but you forgot to get and got her something else that she got mad at and threw at you before having a hissy fit before you gave her the one thing that shuts her up which is ice cream but that's beside the point what didn't you give her? (says so fast vampires cant even hear)

Edward: …..

Me: well?

Edward: *sighs* She wanted a peanut butter chocolate sandwich with whipped cream.

Me: ew. So what happened?

Edward: I forgot the whipped cream.

Me: Ooh, NEVER forget the whipped cream!

Edward: I know…..

Me: Tsk, tsk, tsk, you never seem to learn Eddie.

Edward: Well you're the one writing the story, and made Bella moody and me forgetful.

Me: True.

Edward: Hey I got an idea.

Me: Shoot.

Edward: How about you let me write the story for a while?

Me: you think just because I'm being nice today I'm also going to be stupid?

Edward: it was worth a try

Me: well obviously not trying hard enough.

Edward: Eh.

Bella: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: O.O

Me: wow I never knew she could scream that loud……..

_**In Eddie's room…….**_

Me and Edward in unison: WHAT?!

Bells: I'm hungry

Me and Edward: ….

Edward: What do you want to eat then?

Bells: *half way going into thinking face Edward stopped her* (go back to PMS In this story and you'll see what I mean)

Bella: Well I want, hmm I WANT A CHEESE OMLET WITH BACON AND SAUSAGE WITH JALEPENO PEPPERS AND ONIONS AND A GLAZED DONUT AND HOT CHOCOLATE!

Edward and Me: O.O…..

Bells: What?

Edward: It's dinner time…..

Bella: SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Okay then………

Me: Hey where's random?

Edward: He said he's tired of saying DAMN so he went off to Hawaii

Me: …

Edward: Okay then, I'll be right back love.

Bella: THANKS BABY!

Me: *rolls eyes* I can't wait to see how this turns out…..

_**2 hours and 5 burned omlets later……..**_

Edward: FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!

Me: Yeah finally…..

Me and Edward goes upstairs to Bells

Bella: What's that?

Edward: It's what you asked for love

Bella: Oh that's okay I'm not hungry anymore

Edward and Me: SUN OF A B-

_**The End lol only a couple more chapters and then I'll stop :)**_


	15. Renesmee?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In The Park…..**_

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Hmm?

Bella: It's windy…..

Edward: I noticed love

Bella: Doesn't that make you........ uncomfortable?

Edward: Not anymore….

Bella: Oh, Okay! I'll be right back I left my jacket in the car!

Edward: Okay *Crooked Smile*

_**While Bells runs off to the car……..**_

Edward: RAWR!!!!!!!!!

Me: What's wrong with you lover boy?

Edward: SHE SMELLS SO FREAKIN DELICIOUS!

Me: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Well, sucks for you

Edward: MUST FIND SOMETHING TO EAT!!!!!!!

Me: The only thing here is hot dogs and ice cream.

Edward: …..

Edward runs over to hot dog stand and comes back in 10 minutes.

Me: Care to explain?

Edward: ITS RAW! *Drains hot dog*

Me: That's just sad………

Bella: I'M BAC- WTF?!

Edward: ……..

Me: ROFLMFAO

Bella: Um…..author?

Me: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?

Bella: Why is my boyfriend eating a raw hot dog?

Me: (While chuckling) He likes his food rare.

_**Lol next day……..**_

Edward: Hi love!

Bella: (In sad voice) Hi Edward

Edward: What's wrong?

Bella starts crying

Edward: O.O?!

Edward: BELLA WHATS WRONG?! TELL ME!

Bella: *Sniff* I-I'm leaving….

Edward: Huh? Oh, do you want me to drive you back home then?

Bella: No….not that kind of leaving….

Edward: Then what are you saying love????

Bella: There's no easy way to say this but….I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ARO!

Edward: …..

_**THUD!!!**_

Edward is passed out on the ground.

Bella: Wow, I didn't know vampires could pass out

Carlisle: We can't…..

Me: Eh he'll come around.

Bella: yeah I guess………. hey author?

Me: Hmm?

Bella: you think that was too harsh of a prank?

Me: Nah

_**4 weeks later…..**_

Me: So Carlisle, has Edward come too yet?

Carlisle: Nope

Me: And that's...a BAD thing?

Carlisle: Yup

Bella: I'm worried about him. I mean it was just a prank, I didn't mean to put him in a COMA!

Me: *light bulb goes off in head* I know what will wake him up.

Bella and Carlisle: ???

Author (Gabby) Goes upstairs into Edward's room where Edward is laying on bed unconscious.

Me: Oh Edward…..BELLA'S IN TROUBLE!

Edward springs up

Edward: I'LL SAVE YOU LOVE!

Bella and Carlisle in unison: Wow…..

_**On Saturday morning…..**_

Me: Hey Edward?

Edward: yeah?

Me: Can I ask you something?

Edward: Why do you even ask? You're just going to ask weather or not I say yes or no.

Me: …*mumbles* smart aleck

Edward: you know I can hear you right?

Me: Yeah whatever, can I just ask now?

Edward: Shoot

Me: Okay well, I was watching TV with Bells, and I saw this awesome commercial for Spongebob Squarepants the new movie and I really want to see it!

Edward: What's with you and your obsession with spongebob?

Me: I have no idea…..he's just so stupid it's hilarious!

Edward: okay then…..so where in that long sentence before that little comment about spongebob did a question come in?

Me: umm well….can you get it for me??

Edward: no.

Me: please?

Edward: no.

Me: Please?

Edward: No

Me: PLEASE?

Edward: NO

Me: PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Edward: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WHY?!

Edward: I hate that little sponge! I mean it doesn't even make sense! How is it when he takes a bath he inflates, but he LIVES under water and does nothing?!?!?!?!? And whenever he talks it's that squeaky annoying sound that just makes you want to either laugh, or destroy the TV! But when he sings, OH THE SPONGE HAS SOME BASE IN HIS VOICE!!!!!!! AINT THAT SOMETHING?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

Me: …….

Me: And if you hate it so much…….how would you know all that stuff about spongebob?

Edward: …..

Me: O_o….ESME!!!!!!!

Esme: Yes dear?

Me: Sweet, sweet, motherly Esme-

Esme: What does she want?

Edward: Spongebob Movie

Esme: Well, I don't see why not

Edward: MOM!!!!

Me: WOO!!!!

Edward: ESME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Esme: What is it Edward? I have to go cook for no reason!

Me: …..

Edward: Why did you say yes, to that vulgar show?!

Me: Because she loves me!

Edward: SHUT UP!

Esme: EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!

Edward: O.O….yes?

Esme: Go to your room young man!

Edward: WHAT?! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'M 109 YEARS OLD!

Esme: And what age do you appear to look like?

Edward: *mumbles 17*

Esme: and what age do I appear to look like?

Emmett pops out of no where

Emmett: 75!

Esme: …..

Edward: …

Me: …..

Esme walks over to Emmett.

Emmett: O.O!!!!!!! OH NO IT'S THE CREEPY WALK!

Esme: (In very deep mans voice) EMMETT. UPSTAIRS. NOW!

Edward and me: *MOUTH FALLS TO GROUND*

Esme drags Emmett upstairs by his ear.

Emmett: SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone except Esme: NO!!

Emmett: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Everyone hears spanking and crying

_**"......"**_

Me and Edward look at each other and then run upstairs and peak in the door very, very, very, very, quietly

Esme has Emmett over her lap while spanking him….

Edward: …

Me: ….

Emmett; WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! NO, MOMMY NO! I'M SORRY!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAA

Edward and Me: HAHAHAHA

Esme looks towards door while lightning crashes outside and Esme's eyes are…..well I cant lie, there just plain scary…..

Esme: ARE YOU EAVSDROPPING?!

Me and Edward: O.O

Author (me) runs like hell

Esme: EDWARD CULLEN! YOU GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE YOUNG MAN! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE TOO!!!!

Edward: NO!!!!!!!!!!

Esme: ARE YOU DEFYING ME?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!

Edward: O.O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Esme catches Edward who was just about to run for his life

Edward is dragged by his legs into the room while his nails leave scratch marks in the nice hard wood floor, only causing Esme to get madder…

Emmett is in corner rocking back and forth dry sobbing like a two year old.

Esme: Now, are you going to say sorry? (says in motherly tone, not in that….whatever that was)

Edward: NO ITS NOT MANLY!!!!!!!!

(lightning returns and so does scary man voice)

Esme: WRONG ANSWER!!

Edward: MOMMA NO!!!!!!!!

Esme lays Edward on stomach and starts spanking him

Edward: AAAAAAAAAH CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!! MEDIC!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH AFLAC!!!!!!!!!

Me: WTF?

Edward: *Shrugs*

Police Dude drops from sky

Police Dude: WHO SAID CHILD ABUSE?!

Edward: ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Police Dude: I WILL SAVE YOU!!!!!!!

Esme: *DEATH GLARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Police Dude: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Police Dude: I JUST REMEMBERED! I GOT TO GO BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: *While dry sobbing* I'M SORRY MOMMY!!!!!!!! OW!!!!! MOMMY NOOOO WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Me: ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Esme looks over to me

Me: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *USES ADORABLE POWER FULL BLAST!!!!!!!*

Esme AWWs and goes back to spanking Edward like there's no tomorrow.

Edward: HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MY ASS HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Esme: O.O!!!!!!! LAUGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Damn…..

Random Person Appears out of no where.

Random Person: DUDE!!!!!!!! I LEAVE FOR HAWAII FOR 7 MONTHS AND YOU TRY TO STEAL MY LINE?!.................... GABBY!!!!!!!

Me: Yes dear retarded idiotic weird yet loveably brother of mine?

Random Person: *Lightning flashes behind Random Now* RE WRITE….DUN DUN DUN!.......THE STORY!!!!!!!!!

Me: where did the dun dun dun thing come from?

Random Person *shrugs*

Me: Okay then

Me: Re writes story

Edward: NOOOOOOOOOO

Esme SPANKS EDWARD HARDER AND MAKES HIM CRY LOUDER SO BELLA CAN HEAR.

Bella comes upstairs into room.

Bella: What the hell?

Everyone: ….

Bella: OMG I'M ENGAGED TO A WHINY BABY THAT GETS SPANKED BY HIS MOMMA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Edward: ……………………………………………………….

Bella: Eh oh well I still love yah

Bella skips out room and eventually falls down the stairs.

Me: Wow, did NOT see that coming

Random: What the falling down the stairs which she does everyday, even if there are no stairs…..or the fact that she still loves Edward?

Me: Both

Random Person: Okay then…..well I'm going off again. Later sis

Me: Bye

Random disappears

Edward: So………..

Esme: I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!

Esme drags in Edward who, may I add, is screaming like a girl

Me: …..I wonder if the movie store is still open….

_**Lol the end…..NO im jk**_

In Edward's Room While Bella is out with Alice and Rosalie…

Me: So, Edward…..You okay buddy?

Edward is curled up in ball while sucking his thumb and twitching and whimpering

Me: I'll take that as a no….

Me: Carlisle!

Carlisle appears out of thin air

Carlisle: Yes?

Me: What's wrong with Eddie?

Carlisle: Well, as you see, when Esme went on that indescribable rampage, and spanked your brothers, it scared the hell out of them, and also there asses should be extremely sore, so they are now unable to communicate, from the fear of, saying something wrong, and setting Esme off again. Go ask Rosalie about Emmett if you're not a believer.

Me: …..

Carlisle (in English accent) Good day to you ma'am

Me: ….good day Carlisle

Carlisle nods and marches (yes marches) out the room while humming London bridge is falling down

Me: O_o?

Author goes and sits next to Edward who is currently trying to stop twitching uncontrollably.

Me: Eddie?

Edward: *TWITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Me: O_O…..

Alice: WERE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: ROSIE!!!!!

Rosalie: Hey what's wrong?

Me: Well, Edward faced the wrath of Esme.

Rosalie and Alice: SHUDDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: So I'm taking it you been threw that?

Rosalie: Twice.

Me: Ouch……

Alice: yep

Me: For what reasons?

Rosalie: I was flirting with the pizza boy so Bells could get free pizza before I slammed the door on his face.

Me: …….

Alice: And I maxed out all of my credit cards for a pair of shoes.

Me: …………………………………………………..

Me: Okay?????????????????????? So um, how do we get him back to normal?

Rosalie: Simple.

Edward: *TWITCH SHUDDER WHIMPER TWITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Rosalie: Edward, I accidentally threw out all your CDS

Edward: *TWIT-* WHAT?!??!?! I'M GOING TO KEEL YOU!!!!!!!!!

Rosalie Runs with Edward close behind.

Me: Wow that really worked.

Alice: Yup.

Me: Did she really throw out his CDS?

Alice: Yup

_**In Eddie's Room…**_

All three of us are on Edward's bed talking

Me: Bells, Eddie can I ask you something?

Edward: Go ahead

Bella: Sure

Me: Do you guys ever think your going to have kids?

Edward: O_O….

Bella: Well…I would like to someday.

Edward: O_O!……

Me: Really?! Aw if you did what would you name he/she?

Bella: Well, I haven't really thought about it. I was thinking if it's a boy, maybe EJ

Me: What's it stand for?

Bella: Edward Jacob

Edward: O_O?!…..

Me: …..I think EJ sounds better…..

Me: Okay and what if it's a girl?

Edward: O_O……….!!!!!!!

Bella: Hmm…..I was thinking Renesmee.

Me: WTF?!

Bella: What?

Me: What the hell kind of name is Renesmee?

Bella: Well, it's like Renee and Esme put together.

Edward: O_O?!?!

Me: Hmmm……. Well if you put it that way I kind of like it.

Bella: Yah Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Or EJ Anthony Cullen.

Edward: :)

Me: That sounds perfect since you both are freaks who in the future will have a freak half vampire baby that is Oh so cute but you get turned because she took most of the blood out of you just coming out of your baby hole, with her TEETH. And also because she decided that you smell delicious so she took a CHOMP out of yah and Edward was like No no no no no! and you were like OW! And all like IMMA PASS OUT ON YALL! And you went all limp and every thang and Edward was like O.O!!!!!!!!! AND ROSALIE WAS ALL LIKE GIMME THE BABY THAT I ONLY WANTED AND DIDN'T CARE IF BELLA LIVED OR NOT BECAUSE I'M SELF CENTERED LIKE DAT AND I WONT TRY TO EAT BELLA ANYMORE! AND THEN JACOB (WHO I'M SORRY WASN'T IN THE STORY YET) WAS ALL LIKE YO DUDE DIS AINT COOL I'M OUT LATER BITCH AND EDWARD WAS ALL LIKE AIGHT FINE GET OUT YOU SELFISH JACK ASS BUT DON'T BE TRYING TO IMPRINT ON MY BABY! THAT JUST KILLED MY WIFE BUT I STILL LIKE IT! AND THEN SINCE WE ALL IN JACOB'S BUSINESS WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT AN EDWARD POV INSTEAD OF JACOB EXCEPT JACOB FANS WOULD HAVE LIKE THAT BETTER! AND SO JACOB WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS IN AN EXAGGERATED SLOW MOTION CUZ HE ALL BEAT UP CUZ HIS BFF AND LOVE JUST TOOK A DIRT NAP AND THEN HES ALL LIKE I WAS CUT FROM MY STRING BUT HELD TOGETHER BY A STEEL ONE CUZ IM A FREAK SHOW WHOS HALF DOG WHICH BY THE WAY MY MOM WAS LASSIE AND I JUST GOOGLED LASSIE AND SHE WAS PLAYED BY A MALE SO SCRATCH THAT LAST NOTE AND EVERY THANG. AND I JUST LOOKED INTO THE CHOCOLATE PUPILS THAT BELLE HAD AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS! (lol I like the word gorgeous for some reason….) AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING BUT I'M GOING AGAISNT EDWARD AND IM GOING TO IMPRINT!!!!!!! *IMPRINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* AND RENESMEE IS ALL LIKE GOO GOO GA GA JACOB IS A HOTTIE! AND EVERY THANG.........

Bella: …….

Edward: …….

Bella: So............................... I'm having a girl? REALLY?!

Edward and Me: ……..

_**Lol that was fun to write and yah I really did Google Lassie :)**_

_**In Pizza Shop…..**_

Bella: Thanks Edward I was really in the mood for some pizza.

Edward: No problem love

Me: You know outside this story you know in the real world, I really want some Chinese Food…….

Edward: …..

Bella: …..

Bella: Hey Edward guess what!

Edward: What is it, love?

Bella: I just learned Spanish! Let's talk in it!

Edward: Okay

Bella: Hola!

Edward: Hola.

Bella: That's all I know.

Me and Edward: ……

Me: You know, I know some Spanish.

Edward: Oh Really?

Me: Yup.

Edward: Okay want to prove it?

Me: If you want.

Bella: I don't know author, Edward knows just about every lauguage there is. Even Czech.

Me: Impressive Eddie.

Edward: Graicas (thanks)

Me: Denada Hermimno. (your welcome brother)

Edward: Como as tas? (how are you)

Me: estoy bein muchas gracias (good thank you very much)

Edward: como vida? (how's life)

Me: Multa (fine)

...........

Me: Do tu de verdad tambein pizza? (do you really like pizza?)

Edward: Infierino no (Hell no)

Edward: Yo media lo sabor paricedo s**** (It tastes like s****)

Me: Hahaha

Me: en ese caso…..porque are nosotros tambein? (in that case…… why are we here?)

Edward: Bella

Me: Oh bein bein (Oh right right)

*Silence*

Edward: bein mus tu creer prim lata chal este hasia ahora? Yo media partida Bella fuera (well you think we could wrap this up now? I mean, were leaving Bella out)

Me: si yo conjetura (yeah I guess)

Me and Edward nod in unison

Bella: O_O…..

Bella: Um, so what did you say?

Me in Edward in unison: Nothing…

_**yeah i know took me long enough! but eh what can i say im working on three new stories! lol :)**_


	16. Movie Night Gone Wrong

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In Cullen Livingroom…..**_

Emmett: HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT I FOUND!!!!!!!!

Me: Your brain?

Emmett: ….. well not yet, BUT I FOUND THIS NEW MOVIE AT THE MOVIE STORE!!!!!!!!!

Edward: *sigh* what's it called?

Me: you don't know?

Edward: no he's singing every time we touch remix in his head in Russian.

Me: Um, I didn't even know he knew Russian.

Edward: Nobody does…..

Me: eh.

Emmett: ANYWAYS!!!!!!!! I FOUND THIS AWESOME MOVIE CALLED TWO GIRLS ONE CUP!!!

Whole family pops up

Everyone: What's it about?

Emmett: I don't know I can't read.

Everyone: ……..

Me: Okay then…..well put it in!

Emmett: OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**3 hours later……..**_

Bella: *throws up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Edward: *holds Bella's hair while she throws up*

Me: MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author takes hands off her eyes and shows everyone her eyes, which has caught fire.

Rosalie: *SNARL!!!!!!!!!* I'M GOING TO KEEEEL YOU!

Emmett: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Alice and Jasper are in the corner holding each other, whimpering and dry sobbing.

Alice: THE HORROR! THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: OH MY GOD I THOUGHT THIS WAS A RACE CAR MOVIE! LIKE THE PISTON CUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: I THOUGHT IT WAS BARBIE!

Everyone: …….

Edward: *THINKS ABOUT MOVIE* PUSHES BELLA OUT OF WAY AND THROWS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Esme: OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS UN HOLY! WE MUST BURN IT!!!!!

CARLISLE: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * MENTAL SHOCK*

Everyone: CARLISLE?!?!?!?!?!

Carlisle gets dagger and pierces it threw his head heart, causing him to die…..again.

EVERYONE: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *rolls on ground screaming* THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO EYE BALLS!!!

Eye balls fall out of eyes and roll out door.

Esme: I HAVE A TORCH!

Esme torches house

All vampires and Bells goes up into flames. Sort of like a Carrie deal.

Edward: Gabby?

……………

Edward: GABBY! WAKE UP!

Me: AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: WTF?

Me: OH MY GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE YET SOMEHOW AWESOME DREAM!

Edward: …..

Emmett: HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A NEW MOVIE!!!!!!!!

Me: *SCREAMS AND RUNS THREW DOOR WITHOUT OPENING IT SO THERE IS AN AUTHOR SHAPE IN THE DOOR*

Everyone: …….

Emmett: What? It's just Finding Nemo……..

_**Hahahahahahahahahaha that's all I can say.**_


	17. Good News Bad News

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**Saturday Next Week…..**_

Me: HEY EVERYONE COME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Me: I have some news.

Edward: YOUR MOVING OUT?!

Me: you would love that wouldn't you?

Edward: More than Bella.

Bella: HEY!!!!!!!! OMG YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Runs off crying*

Edward: WAIT LOVE!!!!!!! You knew that would happen didn't you?!

Me: Yup (pops P sound)

Edward: *GLARE!!!!!!!!!!!*

Me: *HORRIFIC GLARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *Smiles like angel*

Everyone: *-*

Me: *Rolls eyes* OKAY HERE'S THE NEWS.

Author brings Bella back into the story.

Bella: Why am I crying?

Me: Barney came in the house.

Bella: Oh that explains it.

Me: Okay I have good news and bad news.

Me: Well this is for all you readers also.

Me: Well, I'm writing a new story where Bella gets the Spanish Influneza

Edward: WHAT?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I said she gets a pretty flower called Spanish Influneza Edward.

Edward: Oh okay. :)

Me: ……. Well the bad news is me and random wont be in that story.

Everyone but Edward: AWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Glad to see your taking it so hard.

Everyone: *DEATH GLARES AT EDWARD*

Edward: O_O! *GASP!* BELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR DEATH GLARING MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: Well, your being a jack ass.

Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Okay? So anyways! After my new story called, Time Flies When your stuck in it, I wont be in any stories. Nor will Random.

Everyone: GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?

Me: Well, really it's up to the readers, if they want me in the story then I'll stay, if they can go without, then ADIOS UNA FAMILIA.

Emmett: HUH?

Me: …….it means goodbye family.

Emmett: Oh.

Me: HOW IS IT YOU KNOW RUSSIAN BUT YOU DON'T KNOW AN EASY LAUGUAGE LIKE SPANISH?!?!!?!

Emmett: …….DONT YELL AT MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE FEELINGS!!!!!

Everyone: NO YOU DON'T!

Emmett: ……..waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! *Emmett Runs off crying*

Me: How the hell did you fall in love with a two year old?

Rosalie: *Shrugs* He has a huge-

_**The End :) Yeah the announcement was true. If you want me then I'll be here in my own twisted stories lol if you rather do without then just tell me! lol thanks for reading love you guys :)**_


	18. Last Chapter :

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**Monday Morning in the Cullen House (Summer Break)**_

_**Rosalie: You know, in the last chapter i was going to say he has a huge heart**_

_**Me: ....... okay moving on.......  
**_

Me: Hullo Family

Everyone: ………

Me: No hi?

Bells, Eddie, Rose, Emmett, Jazz, Ally, Mom, Dad??

Bella: …….

Edward: …..

Rosalie: ……..

Emmett: …….

Jasper: …..

Alice: …..

Esme: …….

Carlisle: …….

Me: YOU GUYS ARE MESSED UP!!!!!!!!!! *Author runs out door*

5 minutes later…..

Alice: TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice everybody that be quiet for 15 minutes contest was awesome.

Everyone: Yeah I agree.

_**Yeah, I know, BOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNG! Anyways moving on……….**_

_**Me, Eddie ward, and Belle are in Eddie's room.**_

Bella: Hey Edward?

Edward: yes love?

Bella: Can I have a kitty? That I can love, and pet and is small and adorable and orange with white stripes and I can call Prince Random Fluffy Face Jr.?

Edward: …….

Me: ………………………………………………………

Me: Prince…Random……Fluffy…Face Jr?? WTF?!

Bella: What? It's an adorable name for an adorable kitty!

Me: Um not really, but, you don't have a kitty, so how would you know just how adorable it is?

Bella: THAT'S WHY I ASKED FOR ONE SILLY MONKEY!

Me: …….

Edward: …….um love? Can you stop yelling? And put down the spear?

Bella is hovering over Me with a extremely sharp dagger/spear that is pointed towards my heart.

Bella: Oh sorry honey

Me: O_O…..

Edward: …….um love, you can't have a kitty beca-

Bella's eyes widen till they look like big dinner plates and were filled with tears.

Edward and Me: o_o

Bella: O.O……..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Me and Edward: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

She's screaming so loud, even shouting, we cant hear each other.

Me: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO WE DO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Edward: WHAT?!??!?!?!?!

Me: WHAT DO WE DO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????????????????????

Edward: umm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY LOVE!? WANT SOME ICE CREAM?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Bella: (stops screaming and stares at Edward)

Bella: And kitty?

Edward: Um no….

Bella: O_O……….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Me: NICE GOING!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S SCREAMING EVEN LOUDER !!!!!!!!!! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?!?!

Edward and rest of the family: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: O_O………

Edward: OKAY LOVE! WE CAN GET KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- REALLY?!? NAMED PRINCE RANDOM FLUFFY FACE JR?!?!?!?!??

Edward: um sure love

Bella: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 AND ICE CREAM?!!??!?!

Edward: *sighs* sure love

Bella: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**1 week later……..**_

Bella is in corner, curled up in a ball crying her eyes out.

Edward: EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: WELL I COULDN'T HELP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIDN'T YOU TELL HER MY SECOND FAVORITE FOOD IS CAT?!?!?!?!?!

Edward: I tried……..

_**Lol that's the end guys! Hope you enjoyed these messed up stories!!! Love you all adios amigos e amigas :)**_


	19. Bonus Chapter: Esmerelda

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In Esme's Garden…….**_

Me: Hi Esmerelda

Esme: ??????..........

Edward: What? Who's Esmerelda?

Me: *points to Esme*

Esme: Darling, my name is Esme….

Me: Yeah, but think about it mom, Esme looks like a shorter version of Esmerelda. Am I right or am I right?

Emmett: She has a point…..

Me: Thanks

Alice: Hey Edward? Isn't Esmerelda the name of your old girlf-

Edward covers Alice's mouth

Bella: His old what?!

Edward: UM NOTHING! O.O!!!!!

Emmett: His old girlfriend!

Bella: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!!!! *DEATH GLARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Jasper: Yeah, I remember, she came along 100 years before you were born Bells.

Edward: JASPER! IX NAY ON THE SMERELDA EAY!

Emmett: *rolls eyes* Yeah remember Edward? You said she was the most gorgeous person in the world? That nobody could live up to her beauty? That she was even more gorgeous than Rosalie 1021061561 times over?

Rosalie: Yeah, I'm still mad at you for that

Bella: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! *CRIES AND RUNS INTO CULLENS HOUSE TO GET A KNIFE*

Bella comes back out in there back yard

Edward:OMG NO LOVE DON'T KILL YOURSELF! I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: OH I'M NOT KILLING MYSELF! BOY I'M GOING TO CUT YOU!

Edward: O_O….*SCREAMS LIKE GIRL AND RUNS*

Bella: GET BACK HERE AND TAKE THIS BEATING LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!

Everyone else: ………….

Me: ………..sooooooooooooo like I said Esmerelda sounds like Esme.

Everyone but Bella and Edward: yeah I agree.

_**ROFL I JUST HAD TO WRITE THIS!! OKAY THISIS JUST A BOUNUS THANKS FOR READING LOVE YOU GUYS YOUR AWESOME! ADIOS! :D**_


	20. Gymnastics Anybody?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

_**In Living room in the Cullen house…..**_

Me: Hey guys check this out! I just learned! *author does double back flip and ends in perfect split*

Esme: That's great!!!!!!

Carlisle: Impressive

Emmett: O.O!!

Rosalie: O_O

Alice: WOW!!! :D

Bella: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O_O!!!!!!!!! :)

Jasper: WOW GAB! AND I'M EMO STILL!

Edward: -_-….I can do that.

Me: Oh yeah try!

Edward: Alright

Edward does back flips with ease and then slides down into a split.

Edward: *in high pitched voice* See? Piece of cake.

Everyone: O_O……….

Me: Um…Edward?

Edward: *Still In high pitch pain filled voice* yes?

Me: Stand up.

Edward: Um I don't think that's a good idea

Me: Just stand up.

Edward: *GULP* Okay

Edward gets up, but his legs are still in the split position.

Everyone but me: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *Wipes Tears While rolling on ground laughing ass off*

Edward: Evil son of a b-

_**This has been a twilight bonus chapter. Thanx for reading and i know, not that funny...but i just wanted to write some more in this story! anyways thanx everybody :D**_


	21. This is for you Bella!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Edward: BELLA!

Bella: yes?

Edward: I just wrote another piece for you!

Bella: AWWWWW REALLY?! Can you play it for me?

Edward: Course i can!

Edward points to the ceiling. Spotlights come out of no where.

Edward spins around Micahel Jackson style. When he stops spinning, he's wearing a strip suit with a hat cocked to the side.

Me: .............................................................................................................

Michael Jackson's you rock my world song starts playing.

Me: No way....

Edward: Way

Ho...oh...

My life will never be the same  
Cause girl, you came and changed  
The way I walk  
The way I talk

Me: *MOUTH FALLS TO GROUND*

I cannot explain the things I feel for you  
But girl, you know it s true  
Stay with me, fulfill my dreams  
And I ll be all you ll need

Back up singers/dancers appear out of no where.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, it feels so right (Girl)  
I ve searched for the perfect love all my life (All my  
life)  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, it feels like I (Like I)  
Have finally found her perfect love is mine (See, I  
finally found, come on, girl)

Everyone comes into living room, that has currently became a concert hall.

You rocked my world, you know you did  
And everything I m gonna give (You rocked my world)  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine (You rocked my world)

You rocked my world, you know you did (Girl)  
And everything I m gonna give (I want you, girl)  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine

In time I knew that love would bring  
This happiness to me  
I tried to keep my sanity  
I waited patiently

Girl, you know it seems  
My life is fully complete  
Our love is true because of you  
You re doin what you do

Oh, oh, oh, oh, who d think that I (Oh)  
Have finally found the perfect love I searched for all  
my life (Searched for all my life)  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, who d think I d find  
(Whoa...oh...oh...)  
Such a perfect love that s so right (Whoa, girl)

You rocked my world, you know you did (Come on, come  
on, come on, come on)  
And everything I m gonna give  
And there ain t nothing we could find (Girl)  
Someone like you to call mine (You rocked my world)

You rocked my world (You rocked my world), you know  
you did  
And everything I m gonna give (Girl, girl, girl)  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine (Girl)

You rocked my world, you know you did (Oh)  
And everything I m gonna give (You rocked my world)  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine

You rocked my world (Oh...), you know you did  
And everything I m gonna give (To rock my world)  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine

Girl, I know that this is love  
I felt the magic all in the air  
And girl, I ll never get enough  
That s why I always have to have you here, hoo

You rocked my world (You rocked my world), you know  
you did  
And everything I m gonna give (Look what you did to  
me, baby, yeah)  
And there ain t nothing (Yeah, yeah) we could find  
Someone like you to call mine (You rocked my world)

You rocked my world, you know you did (Know you did,  
baby)  
And everything I m gonna give ( Cause you rocked my  
world)  
And there ain t nothing we could find (Hoo, hoo)  
Someone like you to call mine

Edward breaks out dancing along with his back up dancers.

(You rocked my world)  
You rocked my world, you know you did  
(The way you talk to me, the way you re lovin me)  
(The way you give it to me)

You rocked my world, you know you did  
(Give it to me)  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah...yeah...ooh)  
You rocked my world (You rocked my world), you know  
you did  
(You rocked my world, you rocked my world)

(Come on, girl) You rocked my world (Come on, girl),  
you know you did  
(Baby, baby, baby)  
And everything I m gonna give  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine

You rocked my world, you know you did  
And everything I m gonna give  
And there ain t nothing we could find  
Someone like you to call mine

Edward holds his arm in the air, with his head down as the stage explodes into colors and then fades into black. Dancers/Singers disappear and all that's left is Edward.

Curtains close.

Everyone: O_O.......................................................................*CRICKET SOUNDS*.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Bella: *PASSES OUT*

Everyone but Edward and Bells: O_O..............

_**BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I THINK EDWARD SCARRED EVERYONE FOR LIFE WITH HIS AWESOME NESS. LOL ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSS THANX FOR READING! THIS HAS BEEN........DUN DUN DUN!!!! A TWILIGHT BONUS! PEACE!!!!!**_

_***Explosion of Colors goes off and then clears away. Author is gone.........*  
**_


	22. Fantasy Much?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Bella: Hey Author?

Me: Yes?

Bella: That song that Edward sung for me You rock my world was really sweet even though he copied off of Michael Jackson who by the way keeps randomly appearing in LittleMissSarah's stories.....

Me: Your point?

Bella: I want to make a song for eddie poooooooooooooooooo!

Rosalie: Yeah, I want to do something for my Emmy bear besides s-

Me: APSH!!!!!!!! don't continue that sentence! This is rated T not R, M, OR X! NOW SHUSH YOUR FACE!

Rosalie: BU-

Me: APPSSSSSH!!!!

Rosalie: FINE!

Me: Gracias Heirmona

Rosalie: *Rolls eyes*

Alice: I'm in.

Me: *nods* this could be arranged.......

_**FIVE HOURS LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Edward is on couch bored out of his mind watching TV with Emmett and Jasper

Edward: *DROOL!!!!*

Emmett: *DROOL!!!!!!!!!!*

Jasper: *CUTS SELF AND DROOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Edward and Emmett: O_o?

Jasper: *shrugs*

Edward: I'm bored. I think I'll go spend time with Bella to make me thirsty. Then I'll something intresting to do.......

Bella scowls and throws shoe at Edward's head.

Edward: *in bored tone* ow.....

Edward turns back to TV with heel shoe logged deep in his head.

Me: O_O.......BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bella: CAN YOU JUST TURN AROUD AND LOOK AT THE STAIRS JACK ASSES?!!?!

Boys turn around.

Bella starts to walk down the stairs (VERY SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY!) She's wearing a black spaghetti straped extremely fitted dress that is very very short, with a big white bow in her hair and six inch thigh high boots. (THANK YOU ALICE)

Bella:

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.  
I still feel your touch in my dreams.  
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why  
Without you it's hard to survive.

Rosalie walks down after her. She's wearing a sparkling red very very tight corsette swim suit with thigh high black boots and a princess crown.

She points to the ceiling and everytime we touch remix starts playing

Rosalie:

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.  
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.  
Need you by my side.  
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.  
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.  
Can't you hear my heart beat so...  
I can't let you go.  
Want you in my life.

Alice walks down with blue corsette and six inch heel shoes that have straps that go to her thighs. *shrugs*

Alice:

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.  
They wipe away tears that I cry.  
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.  
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.  
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.  
Need you by my side.  
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.  
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.  
Can't you hear my heart beat so...  
I can't let you go.  
Want you in my life.

All:

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.  
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.  
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.  
Need you by my side.

They stand still next to each other. All of a sudden huge sparks go off with a loud BOOM.

They all start pole dancing

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *Grabs popcorn and watches masterpiece.*

Me: Yeah, that's right! I MADE THIS POSSIBLE!

Everyone: SHUT UP!!!

Me: Oh my bad....

Rosalie:

Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)  
And you don't care what they say  
See, every time you turn around  
They screamin' your name

Bella:

Now I've got a confession  
When I was young I wanted attention  
And I promised myself that I'd do anything  
Anything at all for the boys to notice me

Alice:

But I ain't complaining  
We all wanna be famous  
So go ahead and say what you wanna say  
You know what it's like to be nameless  
Want them to know what your name is  
'Cause see when I was younger I would say

All: '

When I grow up  
I wanna be famous  
I wanna be a star  
I wanna be in movies

When I grow up  
I wanna see the world  
Drive nice cars  
I wanna have Groupies

When I grow up  
Be on TV  
People know me  
Be on magazines

When I grow up  
Fresh and clean  
Number one chick when I step out on the scene

Song goes to middle

Bella:

I see them staring at me  
Oh I'm a trendsetter  
Yes this is true 'cause what I do, no one can do it better  
You can talk about me  
'Cause I'm a hot topic  
I see you watching me, watching me, and I know you want it

Bella does angelic melodic note

they all flip off the poles who might I add, came out of no where

and start doing the pussy cat doll dance. Watch when i grow up music vid to find out what im talking about

All: Get it?

All:

When I grow up  
I wanna be famous  
I wanna be a star  
I wanna be in movies

When I grow up  
I wanna see the world  
Drive nice cars  
I wanna have Groupies

When I grow up  
Be on TV  
People know me  
Be on magazines

When I grow up  
Fresh and clean  
Number one chick when I step out on the scene

Bomb goes off and they all are in s**** poses (I'm still the tadest bit immature....hehe)

Edward: O_O

Emmett: O_O

Jasper: *while drooling* O _O

Bella: Edward?

Edward: ???

Rosalie: EMMETT!!!

Emmett: ?!?!

Alice: Carlisle are they okay?

Jasper: Hmm??

Me: GUYS!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward, Jasper and Emmett spring up off couch.

Me: Told you that would work

Edward: I THOUGHT WE COULDNT SLEEP!

Carlisle: You cant.....you kind of bored yourselves to sleep Very intresting! *in dexter from Dexter's labratory voice* I MUST GO TO MY LAB TO INVESTIGATE! TO THE IDIOT MOBLIE!!! *batman song starts playing as Carlisle jumps out window*

Everyone: ...........................................

Edward: SON A B-

_**WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M TIRED AFTER TYPING ALL THAT. MY GOD MY KEYBOARD IS ON FIRE LOL ANYWAYS THX FOR READING! :D**_


	23. She's Gone

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Rosalie: Hey Emmy! Let's go upstairs and....

Me: EW GET A ROOM!

Emmett: Were about too....

Jasper: My little pixie stick...you wanna...*wiggles eyebrows*

Alice: *Giggles*

Rose, Em, Ally, and Jazz go upstairs.

Bella: Edward, you wann-

Edward: No

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA He straight turned you DOWN bwahahahahaha

Bella and Edward: ........

Bella: Why not?

Edward: Dangerous

Bella: How?

Edward: Well, i could keeel you, eat you, flaten you......keeel you.

Bella: .....you wont! Let's just try please?

Edward: No

Bella: *ADORABLE POUT*

Edward; DAMN! alright fine! let's _TRY_

Bella: YAY!

Me: ........................

4 hours later...........

Pastor: We are gathered here today. To morn the loss of such a sweet girl.

Edward: I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: It will be okay bro...you didnt know!

Alice: Well, i kind of did......

Edward: *DEATH GLARE!!!!!*

Alice: O_O

Rosalie: Good Ridence. I didnt like her anyways.

Esme: ROSALIE! Be more sensitive! Edward loved her!!

Carlisle: Poor poor girl

Me: I didn't know her long, but i will miss her!

Random Person: Yah what she said.

Jasper: An innocent life! It's all my fault!!!!!

All the cullens start dry sobbing.

Bella: I KNOW! I will miss Hannah Montana too!!!

Me: We should have never left Jasper alone at her concert!!!!

_**BAHAHAHAHA GOTCHA! XD oh and, i dont really like hannah montana lol  
**_


	24. Thriller!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Bella: My God Edward!! That movie was scary!!!! *MAD FACE!* T-T

Me: Do you always have to cry when you get mad?

Bella: It's not my fault. Blame Stephanie Meyers

Me: Okay. I BLAME YOU!!!!!!!!!

Stephanie Meyers pops out of no where and HIYAUAH kicks author in face

Stephanie: NOW! YOU WERE SAYING!?!?!?!! *Eye twitches*

Me: ...........

Stephanie: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!!!!! BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *stephanie runs down the street with her arms in the air laughing like a maniac.*

Edward: ............

Bella; .............

Me: ................................................

Me: M'kay?? Anyways, I have to admit, that was scary

Edward: Oh really? *mischevious sparkle in eyes*

Bella and Me: Edward???? O_O

Michael Jackson Thriller song starts to play......

Edward: Its close to midnight and something evils lurking in the dark......

Me: No. He. Is. NOT

Bella: Yes. He. Is.....

Edward: Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart.....

Me and Bella: O_o....

Edward:

You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it  
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,  
Youre paralyzed.......

Edward points his arm in the air and spins around like Mike J.

Me: My god......

Edward:

cause this is thriller, thriller night  
And no ones gonna save you from the beast about strike  
You know its thriller, thriller night  
Youre fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight!

Bella: *SWOON*

Me: :/

Edward:

You hear the doorslam and realize theres nowhere left to run  
You feel the cold hand and wonder if youll ever see the sun  
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination  
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind  
Youre out of time

Edward:

cause this is thriller, thriller night  
There aint no second chance against the thingwith forty eyes  
You know its thriller, thriller night  
Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight.....

Random Person:

Night creatures call

And the dead start to walk in their masquerade  
Theres no escapin the jaws of the alien this time  
(theyre open wide)  
This is the end of your life

Edward:

Theyre out to get you, theres demons closing in on every side  
They will possess you unless you change the number on your dial  
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together  
All thru the night Ill save you from the terror on the screen,  
Ill make you see

Edward:

That this is thriller, thriller night  
cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try  
Girl, this is thriller, thriller night  
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller, chiller  
Thriller here tonight!

Random Person:

Darkness fallsacross the land  
The midnite hour is close at hand  
Creatures crawl in search of blood  
To terrorize yawls neighbourhood  
And whosoever shall be found  
Without the soul for getting down  
Must stand and face the hounds of hell  
And rot inside a corpses shell  
The foulest stench is in the air  
The funk of forty thousand years  
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb  
Are closing in to seal your doom  
And though you fight to stay alive  
Your body starts to shiver  
For no mere mortal can resist  
The evil of the thriller......

Bella and Me: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WTF!! WE DONT EVEN LIVE NEAR A GRAVEYARD! WHERE'D THE HELL DID YOU GUYS COME FROM!?

Dead People: *shrugs* we don't know......we just appear.....

Me: ............

Edward and the dead people......and random.....start twitching...i mean dancing Mike J style

Me: Son of a b-

Edward:

cause this is thriller, thriller night  
There aint no second chance against the thingwith forty eyes  
You know its thriller, thriller night  
Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight.

Edward and dead people follow Bells who's running like hell.

Dead people: Um, Aren't you going to run?

Me: Nope

Dead People: Okay then.....RAWR!!!

Me: .............

Me: Hold the hell on, EDWARD! YOUR ALREADY DEAD YOU JACK ASS!

Edward: .........so?! at least i fit in!!!

Me: .................

Edward and Dead people chase Bells who's just standing there covering her eyes in the house.

Me: This bitch is dumber than i thought........

Edward: RAWR!

Bella: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *in really bored tone* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Dead people run out door and windows

Edward fixes hair and makeup

Edward: BELLA! BELLA WAKE UP!!!

Me: As if she was asleep............

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Edward: What's the problem? *Crooked smile*

Bella: *Stutters*

Edward: Come on I'll take you home

Bella: *smiles* kay

Edward turns back towards camera with evil cat eyes.....

Camera zooms in half way....

Me: *runs into camera*

Me: *WINK WINK* OH! I AM SO SORRY!

Edward: :|

Director: Alright, cut. Take 105

Author turns to camera with evil eyes *winks*

Random Person: *IN EVIL WAY* BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me; *SMACKS RANDOM PERSON* BOY GO SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

Random Person: O.O! T-T

_**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!**_


	25. Why Bella should never leave Edward

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward, what would you do if Bella ever left you?

Edward: *takes in sharp breath and makes weird face* O +O

Me: ........................................................................................?

Edward: *sighs* I would let her go..

Scene Freezes

Author walks out in front of frozen movie screen wearing black suit and gold heels *thanks ally*

Me: Welcome to this edition of, Point out that mistake.

Me: Okay people, do you notice anything wrong here?

Some guy: Uh yeah! You're hair is PITCH BLACK!

Me: Your point?

Some guy: ARE YOU BLACK?!

Me: .........just because I have black hair makes me black?!

Some Guy: WELL ARE YOU?!?!?!

Me: Why yes, yes I am. And spanish. Why does it matter?

Some Guy: o_o.........YOUR HOT!

Me: :|........*Shoots guy and moves on to next scene*

Me: Alright readers, as we all know, Edward says he would let her go right?......WRONG.

Me: Let's see what Eddie ward would REALLY do if Bella left him.....

Author clicks button on remote and scene changes.

Bella: *bites lip to hold back tears* E-Edward?

Edward: Yes love?

Bella: I-I have to tell y-you s-something....

Edward: Bella? What's wrong, why are you crying? Are you in pain?

Bella: N-no....I.....I'm leaving you! For Jacob! HE'S SOOO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU AND HIS SMILE.....*SWOON* MY GOD NOT EVEN YOU EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN CAN DAZZLE ME THAT MUCH HONEY. NOW I'M SORRY I'M GOING OFF LIKE A MAD WOMAN, BUT BABY, YOU NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH! AND ONE OTHER THANG, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT NAME _LOVE?_ UH-UH HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. I PUT UP WIT IT FOR LONG ENOUGH, NOW YOU JUST TRIPPIN PLAYA. PEACE BITCH!

Bella snaps her fingers in Edward's face and walks off swaying her hips and her arms, before she trips, and falls in a errupting volcano that somehow came out the ground.

Edward: *IN GAY VOICE* LIKE OH MY GAWD! SHE JUST FLAT OUT LEFT ME!!! WHAT IS I S'POSSED TO DO!?.......HEY! I WONDER IF THAT HOTTIE PIECE OF MAN CANDY MIKE NEWTON IS STILL AROUND.............

Edward looks around park.

Edward steps out costume and appears to extremely hot blonde chick with huge..........never mind use your imagination.

Author freezes the video

Me: So you see? That is why Bella must NEVA, NEVA, NEVA, NEVA, EVA, EVA, EVA !!! Leave Edward. Anthony. Masen, Cullen.

Me: Good day.

Edward: You know, that was uncalled for....and don't show that picture of the hot blonde to Rosalie.....

Me: Wh-

Rosalie runs into scene with hot blonde screaming and jumps into mid air before freezing and doing a 360. Then, she runs in jumps and makes a kicking pose and in slow motion, knocks the blonde Edward girl, now known as Edwina, to the ground and starts beating the hell out of her.

Edward: That's why.....

Me: O_O...............

_**author note : **_

Bueno, espero que me perdone todos en mi pequeño ..... giro en la historia. Por favor, abstenerse de matar a mí, por favor. Quiero vivir! gracias y adiós a todos ustedes! Buen día. Dije buen día!

*Well, I hope you can all forgive me in my little.....twist in the story. Please refrain from killing me please. I want to LIVE!!!! thanks and goodbye to you all! Good day. I said good day!!*

Hehe goodbye! :D


	26. NAME THAT VOICE!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Random Person: HULLO HULLO HULLO! AND WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S EDITION OF.............................................NAME THAT VOICE!!!!

Audience appears out of no where

Audience: *APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Random: AND!! YOUR HOST! GABRIELLE!!!!!!

Me: Thank you, thank you! Alright Forks Washington!!!!!!! ARE YOU READY!!!!!!!???????????//

Audience; YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WHAT?!?!?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID ARE YOU READY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Random Person: Um, lil sis? Can I point out a minor detail? Um....I'm pretty sure you heard them the first time they screamed yes.....so why ask again?

Me: ................. STFU!

Random Person: O_O........

Me: LIKE I SAID!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU GOT DAMN READY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Audience: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! FIRST CONTESTANT IS.........EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *SWOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Guys; DEATH GLARES FOR TAKING ALL THE HOT GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Edward: .............. I just can't win, can I?

Me: Nope

Edward: Eh.

Me: Alrighty Edward, here's how the game is played. First off, you see that board over there?

Random board falls from sky

Edward: o_o..........now I do.....

Me: Excellent. Now, here's how the game is played my brotha

Edward: ??????????????

Me: What? You don't understand english? Alright then. I will speak in French.

Edward: Wha-

Me:

Edward Bon, le jeu se joue comme ça, d'abord, on regarde le conseil d'administration. Il dispose de 10 places sur celui-ci. Chaque carré a une voix différente. Vous devez deviner quelle personne qui appartient la voix aussi. Comprendre?

(Okay Edward, the game is played like this, first off, you look at the board. It has 10 squares on it. Each square has a different voice. You have to guess which person that voice belongs too. Understand?)

Edward: *Rolls eyes*

oui je comprends parfaitement que vous montrer! Vous venez de parler d'autres langues à l'acte, oui, je l'ai dit acte, comme un savoir tout cela, lorsque vous savez que vous utilisez un traducteur!

(yes I understand perfectly you show off! You just speak in other languages to act, yes I said act, like a know it all, when you know you use a translater!)

Me: Pas pour l'espagnol!

(Not for spanish!)

Edward: Assurez-vous sûr Mhmm

(Mhmm, sure sure)

Audience: ............................................................................................................................?????????????????????????????????

Me: OKAY! NOW THAT EDWARD KNOWS THE RULES! LET'S GET THIS BITCH STARTED!

Me: Alright Edward, here's the first voice.

Some voice: You know, I'm better than everybody. I'm even better than myself!

Edward: Rosalie?

Rosalie: WHAT?! I'M IN THE DAMN AUDIENCE YOU JACK ASS!

Edward: O_O.........

Me: Oooh, Sorry Edward, but that is incorrect, the correct answer is, Barbie, OKAY NEXT UP IS-

Edward: WTF?!

Me: *GLARES AT FOR INTERRUPTING!*

Edward: :s

Me: Okay! NEXT VOICE!!

Some other voice: I will do, whatever it takes, to keep you safe.

Edward: WTF?! THAT'S ME!!!!

Me: OOOOH, Sorry Eddie ward, wrong again. That is in fact, Rob Pattinson.

Edward: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Me: Okay! Let's skip to the last one!!!!!!!!

Some OTHER voice: I know what you are.....

Some other voice: Say it. Out loud. say it!

Voice from before: Vampire.

Tape stops.

Edward: CRINGES!!!!!!! THAT'S ME AND BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: My god, this is impossible to get this many wrong. That is in fact, Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewert. I'm sorry Edward, you have lost this round.

Edward: THIS IS A CONSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Sad ain't it? Well, Edward, you still go home with a life time supply of food that you must eat or will be hunted down and beat the hell out of. CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!

Edward: MOTHA FUC-

_**LOL THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANX FOR READING! MORE BONUS CHAPTERS TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8D**_


	27. Edward hates spiders

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward

Edward: DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *KARATE CHOPS AUTHOR IN HALF* WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VICTORY AGAISNT PIZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Edward?

Edward: WHA?? BUT YOUR DEAD!!!!!!! WAIT WHERE'D YOU GO?!

Me: EDWARD SNAP OUT OF IT!

Edward: Edward opens his eyes and springs out his chair HIYAH! WHO DARE INTERUPTS ME?!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *EYE TWITCHES VIOLENTLY*

Me: Day dreaming again?

Edward: yeah

Me: Ready to go hunting?

Edward: Yup.

_**Bwahahaha Edward And His Fantasies.......... :)**_

_**Saturday Afternoon.................**_

Me: Phew, this has been the fourth heat blast this month.

Emmett: Yeah, and it's only Febuary.

Me: ........... You mean June right?

Emmett: That's what I said

Me: ........................................................ O_o........................

Jasper: Yeah, but it feels nice to us. We can't feel heat

All vampires in house: AGREED!

Bella: *Is face first on ground melting and having heat stroke*

_**XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

_** Next Day; AKA SUNDAY MORNING..................**_

Bella: *SCREAMS IN HORROR* EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BELLLA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I WILL SAVE YOU MY LOVE!

Edward sprints up the stairs, leaving a trail of fire behind him.

Me: o_o......... that was dramatic..........

Edward bursts threw door.

Edward: BELLA!? LOVE WHAT'S WRONG?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Bella: EDWARD! IT'S A SPIDER! KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!!!!!!

Me: Are you joking?

Edward: O_O...........*SCREAMS LIKE GIRL* LIKE OH MY GAWD BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDWARD RUNS TO STAIRS AND GRABS HIS COLLAR, AND PROCEEDS AND THROWING HIMSELF DOWN THE STAIRS.

Me: ................................ wow......................

Edward: WAIT I'M NOT DONE YET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Edward screams while falling UP the stairs.

Me and Bella: O_o..........WTF?

Edward throws himself up and down the stairs several times, before he grabs a match and sets himself on fire.....screaming like a girl the whole time.

Bella: ....... What the hell just happened?

Everyone but Bella: He's scared of spiders.........

_***IS LAUGHING TO HARD AT EDWARD TO MAKE AUTHORS NOTE***_

_**In Six Flags..............**_

Alice: *bounces* MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE WERE FINALLY HERE! THANK YOU DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice Tackles Carlisle.

Emmett: ALICE STOP MAKING OUT WITH CARLISLE AND LET'S GO!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Author high fives Emmett

Esme: O - o

Edward: What in the hell kind of expression is that?

Me: *SHRUGS*

Me: Where to first?

Rosalie: I don't care where we go, as long as I don't mess up my perfect hair and makeup.

Me and Alice in unison: Oh, so you're going to wait in the car?

Alice and me: WOO! *Secret handshake*

Rosalie: *Scowl*

Emmett: You're hot when your mad! I'll wait in the car with you babe

Me: Psh, no your not! You and Edward are coming with me to the roller coaster!

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!! ROLLER COASTER?!

Me: Yeah? You got a problem wth roller coasters?

Everyone: *Glares questiongly at Edward*

Edward: o_o...... um n-noo????!

Me: -_O? M'kay? come on then! that line isn't getting any shorter!!!!!!!!!

Edward: *GULP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* o-okay.........

Emmett: WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward walks extremely slow, to the point where a human calls him a slow poke

Me and Emmett: HURRY UP EDWARD! WERE NEXT!

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SO STUPID! YOU STUPID STUPID MOTHA FUC-

Me: COME ON EDDIE WARD!!!!

Edward: Coming.......

DUDE: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY IN!

People from previous roller coaster ride: O_O!!!!!!!! *VOMITS IN TRASH BINS!!!!!!!!*

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* Ooh, that guy's ass is cute... I MEAN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Me: COME ON EDDIE IT SEATS THREE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Edward: Oh, lucky us.........

Edward sits next to Author and Emmett.

Me and Emmett: Oooh! Can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: *mumbles I can*

Me: Hmm? You say something?

Edward: No.........

AT THE TOP OF THE ROLLER COASTER!

Edward: UM!? HOW STEEP IS THIS DROP?

Me: DON'T WORRY EDDIE WARD! IT'S ONLY 342 FOOT DROP! THAT'S NOTHING!

Edward: OH OKAY..........

Roller Coaster Drops.......

ME AND EMMETT: *PUTS ARMS IN AIR* WOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: *SCREAMS LIKE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

After Ride.....

Me: WOO! THAT WAS DA BOMB!

Emmett: TRU DAT

Edward: *TWITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

_**At End of the day, on the car ride home....**_

Esme: Aw, my poor baby!

Esme holds a dry sobbing twitching Edward in her arms, rocking back and forth.

Edward: MOMMY! THEY MADE M-ME GO O-ON DA SCARY WIDE!

Edward starts sucking his thumb, still twitching.

Everyone: O_o................

**HA! THIS HAS BEEN! DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **A CREPÚSCULO BONO CAPÍTULO! A TWILIGHT BONUS CHAPTER!! THANKS FOR READING!

GRACIAS POR LA LECTURA! :D


	28. The Truth about Bella's Lullaby

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward?

Edward: Hmm?

Me: How did you come up with Bella's lullaby?

Edward: Well, I wanted to make a piece as beautiful as her, so I came up with this.

Edward starts playing lullaby

Bella: :)

Me: *Has suspicious smile on face* Edward? Would you mind following me to my lab- I mean room?

Edward: O_o?

Author grabs Edward by collar of shirt and drags upstairs.

Me: *Throws Edward in chair*

Edward: OOF! WTF!

Esme pops out of no where and Dropkicks Edward for using vile language

Edward: .............

Esme: NOW! I have to cook for no reason! bye sweethearts!

Edward: ........................?!?!

Author gets laptop off bed and puts it on Edward's lap

Me: Okay Edward, what do you see?

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* AAAAAAAAAH SHE'S CATCHING ON TO ME!!! *OUTSIDE THOUGHTS* Something called Yiruma Moonlight....?

Me: That is correct. Now Edward? Do me a favor and press play.

Edward: O_O..........

Edward presses play on computer.

Bella's lullaby plays.

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Care to explain?

Edward: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!!

Me: No one..........

Author waves her hand behind her back signaling Emmett to run for his life.

Edward: I'M GOING TO KEEEL YOU EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: NOT IF BELLA KILLS YOU FIRST! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: You know, Emmett really is my favorite..........

Edward: *scowl!* Don't tell Bella!

Me: Hmm? Tell Bella? KAY!

Me: BELLA! CAN YOU COME HERE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward; NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella falls up stairs and trips, crashing face first into the door.

Me; I never knew gravity could hate a person this much.......

Edward: *SCOWLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Bella: Hey? Where's that music coming from? It's so beauitful!

Me: That, pray tell, is-

Edward puts hand over Author's mouth

Edward: THAT'S UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BARBIE GIRL ON PIANO!

Bella: O_o? I may have a problem with gravity, but I'm not dumb Edward! THAT'S MY LULLABY!!!!!!!!

Edward: O_O!

Author bites Edward's hand

Edward: OW! SON OF A B-

Me: So as you see Bella, Edward has NOT made you a song. He has copied Yiruma Moonlight and played the disk when you're around. HE CAN'T EVEN PLAY PIANO!

Bella: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Me: Follow me if you please.

Edward: OH THE HUMANITY!

Me: what?

Edward: *shrugs*

Me: k

Author and Bella go sit in Edward's stool looking at the big black beauty. Known as the piano.

Bella: ????

Me; Now, I shall explain

Author picks up bunch of CDS and boom box

Bella: OMG EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOTALLY HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T-T

Edward: I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANTED TO BE COOL IN SOME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone but Author beats the sh** out of Edward for lying to them

Emmett power drives him seven times also..........

Me: *in very evil way* WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene blurs over.

Edward wakes up screaming his ass off

Edward: Oh good, it was all a dream. Even though I can't sleep, this is the Author's story, so I can sleep once in a while..............

Me: Yup. Oh and Edward?

Edward: Hmm?

Me: It wasn't a dream....your in a hospital....

Edward: SON OF A B-

**_LOL AND YES IF YOU GO ON YOUTUBE AND TYPE IN YIRUMA MOONLIGHT, THEN YOU WILL SEE WHAT I'M SAYING. I MIGHT BE WRONG, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE HER LULLABY. ANYWAYS.....THANX FOR READING! *AUTHOR BOWS AND THROWS BOMB ON GROUND* SMOKE CLEARS AND AUTHOR IS GOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE! :D_**


	29. A boy like that

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Some chick who just pops out of no where: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Bella: Aw what's wrong?

Some chick who just pops out of no where: *SNIFF!* MY BOYFRIEND JUST DUMPED ME FOR MY BEST FRIEND!! HE'S SUCH A PLAYER!!!!!

Bella: Oh...... O_o....

Me: TSK TSK TSK. You are so durmb. You know what I say about that?

Some chick who just pops out of no where: WHAT!?!

Me: *HIT IT!*

Selena's version of a boy like that plays from somewhere over the rainbow (meaning out of no where)

All the Cullens come as back up dancers/singers.

Me: This will teach you a little somethin random chick

Me:

A boy like that, a boy like that  
A boy... like that...  
(etc.)  
A boy like that, who'll kill your brother  
Forget that boy, and find another  
One of your own kind,  
Stick to your own kind  
A boy like that... like that...  
A boy like that will give you sorrow  
You'll meet another boy tomorrow  
One of your own kind,  
Stick to your own kind  
A boy like that... like that...

Me: Hit it Bella!

Bella:

A boy who kills (a boy who kills)  
Cannot love (cannot love)  
A boy who kills (a boy who kills)  
Has no heart (has no heart)  
And he's the boy who gets your love  
and gets your heart?  
Very smart, Maria, very smart!

Me: Mhmm! Come on Rosalie show us what you got!

Rosalie:

A boy like that wants one thing only  
And when he's gone, he'll leave you lonely  
He'll murder your love, he murdered mine  
Just wait and see, wait and see

Me: break it down boys!

Cullen guys bust some awesome moves

Me: WOO!

Me: TAKE IT PIXIE!

Alice:

A boy who kills (un muchacho que mata)  
Cannot love (no puede amar)  
A boy who kills (un muchacho que mata)  
Has no heart (no tiene coraz髇)  
And he's the boy who gets your love  
and gets your heart?  
Very smart, Maria, very smart!!

Me: :D

Me: COME ON ESME!

Esme:

A boy like that, a boy like that...  
Kill your brother...  
Find another...  
Girl you've gotta know...  
He'll murder your love, like he did mine

Me:

A boy like that wants one thing only  
And when he's gone, he'll leave you lonely  
He'll murder your love, he murdered mine!

Me: WOO BREAK IT DOWN EDWARD!

Edward break dances (can you believe that?)

Me: BREAK IT DOWN IN SPANISH!

Me:

Un hombre as■matar■a tu hermano  
Encuentra alquien que es como t■Un muchacho as■te dar■tristeza  
Conocer醩 a alquien ma馻na  
Cuando termina te deja sola, triste y sola  
(translation:  
A man like that will kill your brother  
Find somebody who's like you  
A boy like that will give you sadness

You'll meet somebody tomorrow

When he's finished, he leaves you sad and alone)

Bella, Alice, Rosalie and Esme:

A boy like that wants one thing only  
He will leave you sad and lonely, sad and lonely

Me and Emmett:

Un muchacho as■te dar■tristeza  
Kill your brother...  
Un muchacho as■matar■a tu hermano  
find you another...  
Un muchacho as■te dar■tristeza  
one of your own kind...  
Stick to your own kind!  
Un muchacho as■matar■a tu hermano

Un muchacho as■te dar■tristeza  
(A boy like that will give you sorrow)  
Un muchacho as■matar■..  
(You'll meet another boy tomorrow)  
Un muchacho as■te dar■tristeza  
(One of your own kind)  
Un muchacho as■matar■a tu hermano...  
(stick to your own kind)  
Un muchacho as■te dara tristeza...  
Un muchacho as■TE MATARA...  
Un muchacho as■matar■a tu hermano...  
Un muchacho as■te dara tristeza...  
Un muchacho as■te dara tristeza...!!!!

All the Cullens (and me!) strike a pose before everyone but me and Bella are left.

Me: So do you get it now?

Some chick who just pops out of no where: LIKE OH MY GAWD I LOVE YOU EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!

Some chick who just pops out of no where runs after a screaming Edward

Me: .............

Bella: O_O...... THIS BITCH IS GOIN DOWN!!!!

Bella grabs pitchforks and runs after the crazy girl.

Me: .............????

Me: Eh oh well.

Me: *hums song* a boy like that.......like that......Un muchacho as■te dara tristeza

_**ROFL THE END PEOPLZ! I HAD WRITERS BLOCK FOR SO LONG!!!!!!!!! SORRY PEOPLE!!! LOL ANYWAYS IF YOU GO ON YOUTUBE AND LOOK UP SELENA A BOY LIKE THAT, THEN IT WILL BE BETTER, CUZ IF YOU JUST DO IT WITHOUT MUSIC THEN ITS JUST LIKE WTF? SO ANYWAYS!! THANX FOR READING!!! :D**_


	30. Writers block and Valentines Day

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: *whiny* Edward!!

Edward: WHAT!?!?! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS BOTHER ME!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

Me: Because your my favorite

Edward: ..... :)

Me: Anyways, I have bad writers block!

Edward: So?

Me: SO!?! If I want people to keep enjoying themselves and get a good laugh I have to make a good story for this story I'm writing called Twilight Retarded Edition!

Edward: Huh?

Me: I wrote down everything we do and put it in random story form

Edward: Let me see that!

*Author hands Edward big book called Twilight Retarded Edition*

**********49 minutes later**************

Edward: WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Esme: BOY IF YOU SAY ONE MORE BAD WORD I'M GONNA CUT CHU!

Edward: O_O.......

Me: hehehehehe

Edward: How do people find this funny!? I mean, you wrote down everything we did! YOU SPILLED OUR SECRET!!!

Me: Oh put a cork in it Edward. It's not that big of a secret, and besides Stephanie Meyer took care of that.

Edward: Who?

Me: Oh God, we have work to do.

*******104 hours later*********

Me: And you and Bella started doing the nasty, with Renesmee sound asleep in the other room, not for long, but still, THE END. And that Edward, is all four books.

Edward: O_O....... *TWITCH TWITCH* ..........

Edward: BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Oh god.....what have I done?

_**LOL even in the real world, i always stay in trouble. :)**_

_**next week.......Febuary 14!!!!**_

Bella: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EDWARD!!!!!!! I MADE A SONG FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Edward: :D!!!!!

Bella: This is a song for my Eddie POOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Me: Oh Joy.......

Selena's Always Mine starts to play.

(A/N HUGE FAN OF SELENA QUINTINILLA, NOT SELENA GOMEZ l:-[ )

Bella:

All my friends say that I'm a fool  
and that I should give up on you  
Many times, I've surely tried  
But there is something down deep inside  
I've spent some time  
Trying to think all this through  
But I always end up wanting to be with you

Como una flor que necesita el agua  
Sin tu amor, se marchita mi alma  
You...

Bella starts to shimmy and do some fake spins (Classic Selena move, act like your going to spin, and then stop and go the other way) And....ahem.....a few butt shakes lol.

Bella:

You will always be, always mine  
Be mine till the end of time  
Always mine...  
You will always be, always mine  
Be mine till the end of time  
Always mine...

Bella breaks it down!!! WOO!!!

Bella:

All my friends say that I'm a fool  
and that I should give up on you  
Many times, I've surely tried  
But there is something down deep inside  
I've spent some time  
Trying to think all this through  
But I always end up wanting to be with you  
Como una flor que necesita el agua  
Sin tu amor, se marchita mi alma  
You...!

You will always be, always mine  
Be mine till the end of time  
Always mine...  
You will always be, always mine  
Be mine till the end of time  
Always mine... (repeat a few times)

Bella has huge grin on her face and walks over to the stunned to silence Edward.

Bella: So what did you think!?

Edward: RACE YOU UPSTAIRS!

Bella: YAY!!!!!!

Me: ew......

_**LOL THE END! NO IT'S NOT THE LAST, BUT I HAVE A BAAAAAAADDDDD CASE OF THE WRITERS BLOCK! :( ANYWAYS, I SHALL TRY! :)**_


	31. Checkmate

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Ugh.....so bored.

Emmett: WANT TO GO EAT SOME TOOTHPASTE AND THROW UP ON CHIPMUNKS!?

Me: Not right now......

Jasper: WANT TO READ A BOOK OR CUT YOURSELF?

Me: Maybe later......

Rosalie: Want to marvel at my beauty so i can act pompus and tell you you'll never be as pretty as I and be jealous of me which makes me feel better?

Me: ......I did that yesturday.

Esme: Want to help me cook some food thats probably not even going to be eaten so theres really no reason to make the food whatsoever?

Me: No thank you Esme, and besides I already helped you make breakfast, lunch, brunch, snacks, smorgishboards, crackers, sandwiches, french toats, gouliosh......pretty much everything except paint.

Esme: okay :)

Alice: want to spend all of our money on a pair of shoes online!?!

Me: ...........I'm not even going to comment on that.

Edward and Bella: MOAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rosalie: Ugh, that's like the tenth time they've gone at it.

Alice: Yeah I know, I'm getting annoyed to death.

Emmett: It's not as bad as the first time though, remember? When Edward almost killed her, he freaked for a week, always apologizing. *rolls eyes*

Jasper: yeah, ever since Bella convinced him to try again, they've been at it non stop, they never stop.

Me: *Gags!!!!!!!!*...............

Edward: GROAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: I'M GONNA!!!!!!!!...........

Me: O_o.....that's it.......this has to stop.

Author (me yay) runs upstairs and bursts threw door.

Edward and Bella: OMG WTF!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

Me: DON'T WTF ME!!! I'M THE ONE WHOS SUPPOSED TO WTF YOU!!!!!! NOW WTF?!!?!?! WHATS WITH ALL THIS MOANING AND GROANING AND IM GONNA CRAP!?!

Bella: What? It's just a game of chess.....and I won. That's why Edward's groaning and moaning and I said "I'm gonna move here" *Bella points to space where she check mated Edward*

Me: .........SON OF A B-

_**LOL THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER TWLIGHT RETARDED EDITION BONUS :D I HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT TO ONE OF MY READERS; MRS. SCISSOORHANDS! *APPLAUSE* FOR THE AWESOME IDEA OF THIS STORY. THANKS!!!!!!! ADIOS PEOPLZ! :D**_


	32. Super Cullens! Oh and Bella

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me, Edward and Bells: Um, Carlisle? What are you doing?? O_o.....

Carlisle: *in creepy mad scientist voice. *You know, Mel Gibson* (Don't ask. Just the first thing that came to my mind ;) ) I'm working on a new experimennnttttttterrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! *EVIL FUNNY CACKLE!!!! THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHOKING!!!!!!*

Me, Edward and Bells: ...........

Edward: What do you mean?

Carlisle: *in normal voice* well son, I've worked and worked in my la- erm.....room, *O.O!!!!* for some time, and I've come up with something to boost your powers. Even give people who have none some!

Me: Interesting......Everyone but you, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett and Bella has powers Carlisle. (Yeah people i got powers! WHAT!!? lol)

Bella: OOOH! CAN I HAVE SOME POWERS!?!?!?!

Carlisle: *in french accent* of course you can ma cherie!!

Me: your so weird Carlisle.....

Carlisle: *in ghetto voice* (sucks teeth) No you di int! Fine den, forget chu! HURUMPH! *Carlisle snaps his fingers in my face before strutting out the room, shaking his.......you know what? Never mind, use your imagination. I'm twitching enough lol

Edward, Bell and Me: ..........

_**NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Carlisle: I HAVE DONE IT!!!!! EVERYONE!! GET YOUR BOOTIES DOWN HERE NOW!!!!

Me: That's something you never want to hear your father figure say......

Edward: Indeed.

Bella: Well, come on lets go!

Edward and me: *In extremely bored tone* yay......

_**WHEN EVERYONE IS DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Me: What is it Carlisle?

Carlisle: I'M GLAD YOU ASKED GIRLFRIEND! WELL YOU SEE HERRR, I'VE MADE YOU ALL POWERS IN A BOTTLE!!! WERE LIKE GONNA BE SO FREAKIN COOL!!!!!

Everyone but Carlisle: ...............

Me: *whispers to Edward* I think your father lost it Eddie

Edward: *Whispers to author* what do you mean _my_ father? I don't know that fool

Carlisle: *Is right next to Gabby (author) and Edward* I CAN HEAR YOUUUUUU!!!! OOOOOH!! I'M TELLIN MYSELF ON YOU!!!!! SELF! THEY CALLED YOU A FOOL! OH NO THEY DI INT SELF!!!! UH UH NOOOOOOOOOO

AGAIN, everyone but Carlisle: ................

Me: Looks like Carlisle had his daily dosage.......

Everyone but Carlisle and Me: Tru dat.

Carlisle runs at vampire speed and drugs everyone with his power ray before knocking them out cold.

Everyone but Carlisle: SON OF A B-

**BLACKOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O.O!!!!!!  
**

_**Next day when everyone came too...........**_

Rosalie: Groans.......God, that annoyed the crap out me. *Rosalie glares at Vase that's across the room for 2 seconds and the vase catches fire and melts*

Rosalie: O.O!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett springs up out of unconsiousness

Emmett: WHAT!?!? WHO HURT MY ROSIE!?!?!?!

Emmett starts growling......

Rosalie: OH MY GOD EMMETT!!!! O_O!!

Emmett: What? * comes at as bark*

Emmett: *OMFG!!!* BARK BARK BARK!!!!!!!!

Me comes too.......

Me: OH MY GOD HE CAN SHAPE SHIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...................BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HE'S A WOLF.....

Emmett tackles Author to ground and they start wrestling.

****25 Minutes Later*****

Me: DOWN LASSIE!

Emmett: *Whimpers and licks broken paw*

Me: NOW! As we were before...... *makes Edward wake up next cuz is curious* oh and my power is.........erm.............uh.........time travel! Yeah thats it! okay back to story......

Edward: *groans and sits up*

_Ponies......pretty pink ponies go to pony land with pony hair and eat chocolate covered vampires......_

Edward: WTF BELLA!?..........OMG!!! I CAN READ HER MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella wakes up startled!

Bella: OH MY GOD! LOOK AT ME EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Um what?

Bella: I'M FREAKIN JANET JACKSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Bella? Take the mask off.......

Bella: Oh......hehe..... *takes mask off* OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: HOLY-!!!!!!!!

Bella: I'M...........I'M.............I'M...............What the hell am i?

Me: I'm workin on it........my brain is going into overdrive. I have to think of a new power for everyone got damn it!

Bella: Someone has a potty mouth........

Me: Damn right be yatch.

Bella: ........

Me: OH! I GOT IT!!!

Scene changes to when Bella first wakes up. Skipping the Janet Jackson skit.....hehe

Bella: *Groans*

Edward: Bella? Where are you?

Bella: what do you mean? I'm right here!

Edward: OMFG BELLA'S INVISABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(A/N Stupid and overused I know, but hey, I had to get my DAD to help. That's just a cry for help right there, and well, I used the first thing he said lol)

Bella: OMFG!!!!!! THIS IS..................FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!

Esme wakes next.

Esme: Oh wow, that knocked me threw a loop. OMFG!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

Everyone but Esme: Esme is a food processor? Wtf?

Me: *shrugs* She can always change back lol.

Everyone: Okay that works......

Jasper: Ohh man......... Woah........this is a random thought but still, that would be really funny if Rosalie looked at Edward and he caught fire and ran up the stairs just to fall back down and explode just to become one again and act like nothing happened.

Rosalie has a glassy look on her face.

Rosalie: *in robotic voice* yes Jasper...... *Rosalie glares at Edward*

Edward: *is under mind control like Rosalie, if you haven't noticed, from Jasper*......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! I'M ON FIYA!!!!! I'M ON FIYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Runs upstairs and throws self down stairs and explodes into inferno*

Edward is back where he originally was and acted like nothing happened.

Jasper: My God............BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!!!!!!!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice wakes up next......

Alice: OOH WHAT POWER DO I HAVE?!

Me: Wow, usually they wake up groaning............

Alice: OMFG!!!!! I'M A TELEPATH!!!!!! ALL AWESOME CLOTHES COME TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Awesome Clothes come threw door and smack Alice in the face.

Alice: FREAKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: SUCESS!!!!!!!!! WE ARE NOW!!!!!!!! DUN DUN DUN!!!!! THE SUPER CULLENS!!!!!!!!!! OH AND BELLA :)

Bella: You know......I look good as Janet Jackson............

_**ROFL THIS HAS BEEN...........THE SUPER CULLEN CHANNEL......NAW IM JK LOL THIS HAS BEEN TWILIGHT RETARDED EDITION BONUS!!!! HEHE THANX FOR READIN PEEPS! PEACE!!! **_

_***TRAVELS BACK IN TIME WHEN I ATE THAT TACO. I'm hungry lol* :D  
**_


	33. Positives or Negitives?

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Bella: Groans.......OH GOD!

Bella jumps out of bed and runs to bathroom

Edward and me: WTF!?

Edward: LOVE!? WHAT'S WRONG!?!

Bella walks back in room 7 minutes laterz.........

Bella: *Moans and falls into Edward's lap*

Bella: *weakly* hold me!

Edward: Bella whats wr-

Bella: HOLD ME YOU MOTHA FU-

Edward hold Bella quickly.

Bella: :)

Me: What's wrong Belle?

Bella: I don't know.......OMFG!!!!!!!!!

Bella is trapped in Edward's tight embrace to long, and ends up vomiting all over him.

Me: EW!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: O_O.......NO YOU DI INT!!!!! OMFG!!! THIS F IN SHIRT COST LIKE, UMMMM..........*SUCKS TEETH* UMMMMMMM......74 CENTS!!!!!

Me and Bella: .............

Bella: I'm sorry Edward..... *ADORABLE POUT*

Edward: *MELTS* :D

Me: The bitch is good....

Bella: Thanks

Me: Anytime sis :)

_**A WEEK LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Bella: *VOMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Edward: Carlisle, I don't know what's wrong! She's been doing that for a week straight!!

Carlisle: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *In John Travolta's voice* (Don't ask) LIKE, I DON'T LIKE KNOW EITHERZ......

Me: Um, Edward? Ever consider the idea that maybe Bella is.........pregnant?

Edward: Edward freezes in spot making a weird expression *O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

_**42 HOURS LATER..............**_

Edward: O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *Yawns* (I thought it would be more fun to be half human so yeah :) ) Carlisle? How long do you think it'll be 'till he comes out of it?

Carlisle: *Now in Brittney Spears voice* LIKE IDK!!!! I CAN'T TELL TIME!!!! LEAVE BRITTNEY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE K FED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Carlisle breaks down crying on the ground* I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: .........................................................................................................................................................??????????????????????????? O_o??

_**ANOTHER 23 HOURS LATER...........................**_

Me: You have got to be kidding me

Edward: O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: *in hannah montana outfit and wig* YOU GET THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU NICK JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: BELLAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: *Still weak from puking so hard* Yes?

Me: Tell me you're not pregnant! Please tell me that amiga!

Bella: ummm......be right back!

Bella runs to her old beat up truck, gets in, goes to pharmacy, gets pregnacy test, gets back to house in record time; 1 hour.

Me: She was driving her beat up truck. What do you expect?

Some random reader: True.........

Me: Thank you. :)

Bella runs upstairs, trips, falls on face; regains consciousness, goes back upstairs very slowly, pees on stick and comes back 5 minutes later.....

Me: WELL!?!?!?!?!

Bella: It says congraulations.

Me: THAT'S GREAT! YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT!!! WOO!!

Bella: ummmm I meant the other kind of congraulations......

Me and Edward: O-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**2 weeks later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**_

Edward sits in corner hugging stuffed animal, rocking back and forth dry sobbing.

Me: Come on Edward, it's not that bad buddy.....I mean.....there's a 99.9 1/2 percent she will die, but don't give up hope because of some dumb numbers!!!

Edward: *stares at Author* ........... You. Son. Of. A-

Esme: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: SHE WROTE THE STORY THIS WAY!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE EVIL!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE CHUCKIES SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEMME AT HER! LEMME AT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that Emmett was holding him back? No? Well, now yah know.

Me: *Hides behind Jasper* HE'S GONE NUTS!!!!!!!!

Jasper: O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EMO FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: Hey, how come Jasper is emo?

Me: Actually, I don't know. He's just more fun this way. :)

Jasper: :/

_**7 months later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Edward: COME ON BELLA PUSH!!!!!!!!!

Bella: I'M TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emmett: *passes out*

Jasper: *THROWS UP IN TRASH BIN* OH GOD!!!!!!!!

Alice and Rosalie: *COVERS EYES!!!!!!!!!!!*

Me: O_O.....................

_**AT THE BEACH **_

Carlisle: I'm glad we told everyone we were going hunting just for an excuse to come to the beach and glitter like gay people

Esme: Me too :)

_**BACK AT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Bella: *SCREAMS HEAD OFF*GOD I HATE YOU EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: I HATE ME TOO!!! NOW PUSH GOT DARN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Soft little cries*

Me: Aww its a.....what is it Edward??

Edward: IT'S A ......JACOB!!?!? WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?

Jacob:Hiiiii!!!!!!!!!

Me and Edward: SON OF A B-

*********************

Edward: *JUMPS OUT OF SLEEP* AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: What?

Edward: ........Bella! Never, ever ask me to.........You know!!!

Bella: Awwww......please??? *adorable pout*

Edward: Okay! :D

**_LOL edward never learns....... :)_**


	34. PIZZA!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward!

Edward: Hello

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Edward: Do you really want to ask a question or just bother me?

Me: Both

Edward: Okay then what is it?

Me: Well, everyone is out hunting and for once Bella isn't here sooo..........

Edward: No I am not going to play with you

Me: Why!?

Edward: Because your evil

Me: That's not a good enough reason!

Edward: yes it is because it's self explanitory.

Me: ............... I dare you to eat a whole pizza.

Edward: deal.

Me: *Runs and gets phone to order pizza*

********15 MINUTES LATER**********

Pizza guy: Enjoy

Me: Thanks bye

Me: Okay Mr. Sir, get to eating.

Edward stares at pizza.

Edward: What is this?

Me: Sweet pepper and mushroom pizza.

Edward: ew. Who would eat that?

Me: It's my favorite......

Edward: :/

Me: Just shush and eat it!

Edward: *mumbles I hate you*

Me: I know.

Edward: *gulp*

Edward eats whole pizza

Me: *just stares at Edward*

Edward: ...........

Me: Um....Edward?

Edward: O_O .............................................................................................

Me: I know that face......

Me: *runs and gets bucket*

Me: HERE, HERE TAKE IT!

Edward throws up in bucket just in time

Me: Um........I didn't see anything.......*runs like hell*

_**I told you I always stay in trouble lol.......NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Edward: *Groans and holds stomach*

Me: Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Oh gosh, what have I done!? Everyone will be back tonight!!!!

Edward bolts for bathroom.

Me: Did I mention Damn? *Sigh* How could I have made Edward Cullen sick!? It's supposed to wear off as soon as they hack it up!

Edward comes back in room and falls face first on bed, still groaning.

Me: Edward?

Me: *dodges pillow that was aimed for head* Well, it's not my fault! I mean, yeah it is, but I'm still sorry. Doesn't that count!?

Edward rolls over and gives author the death glare.

Me: I'll take that as no....

Esme: WERE HOME!

Me: .........Like I said before; DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

Carlisle: What wr- Why did you give him pizza?

Me: Um......what makes you say that?

Carlisle: Because he has a sign on his forehead that says She gave me pizza with an arrow pointing in your direction.

Me: :|.................

Carlisle: *Sigh* I'll take care of this..........

Carlisle rips off his clothes to reveal a very ugly ninja suit.

Carlisle: HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Carlisle jumps on Edward's stomach, making weird poses while he's stuck in the air momentarily.

Me: ........................................................................

Edward: Ah, thanks Carlisle!

Carlisle: Anytime!! AND THAT'S JACKIE CHAN TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Carlisle jumps out the window with everybody was kung foo fighting playing in the backround before jumping into his idiot mobile and driving off into the sunset with a road runner randomly popping up before he backed up, ran over the roadrunner, grabbed it and the coyote and drained there blood before throwing the remains away and driving off into the sunset again, laughing like a mad person.*

Everyone: .....................

Me: ..........I'm hungry.....let's get some pizza.

_**TSK, TSK, TSK.....LOL**_


	35. Edward plus Author equals HELL!

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward?

Edward: Hmm?

Me: Puedes por favor hazme un favor querido hermano que es el mejor vampiro en el mundo?

(Can you please do me a favor dear brother who is the best vampire in the world?)

Edward: Y no sólo porque se intenta halagar mí, no voy a hacer nada más de sus planes de locura, que generalmente se me meta en problemas.

(No and just because you try to flatter me, I'm not going to do any more of your crazy schemes which usually gets me into trouble)

Me: Aww come on, that's not fair

Edward: It's perfectly fair.

Me: *Crosses arms* How?

Edward: Well, let's go back shall we?

Edward: April 14; The muffin fiasco....

FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Me: Edward!!!!  
_

_Edward: What!?_

_Me: I'm hungry_

_Edward: So?_

_Me: Can you get me a muffin please?_

_Edward: No_

_Me: Why?_

_Edward: I'm reading now go away_

_Me: *Evil glint in eyes* Okay :)_

_Edward: O.o? What could be the consequences of what I've just done?_

_(Meanwhile in Kitchen................)_

_Me: Muffin, Muffin, Muffin......Ooooh! My precious! _

_Me: *Jumps up on counters and reaches for top of the fridge which is oddly high. About 6'8. O_o....*_

_Me: Mine, mine, mine, mine........oops. _

_Author accidentally knocks over fridge, sending everything to spill out of it and onto the floor. Including my precious muffins. _

_Me: MY BABIES!_

_Author jumps off counter and grabs muffins before running like hell._

_Edward: SON OF A B-_

**********************

Me: *Blushes hard* Um.....I said I was hungry!

Edward: You're a freakin vampire!

Me: I'm special!! (Half vampie! yay!!! Team Nessie!!! WOOOO)

Edward: :/ okay then, July 7. Remember the water pipes?

Me: O.O......

FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! again.........

_Me: It's hooooooottttt..........in tooopeekkkaaaaaaa..... (_HAHA_)_

_Edward: ?????_

_Me: Edwaaaaarddddddddd_

_Edward: What is it _now_!?_

_Me: I'm overheated........_

_Edward: So?_

_Me: Can we go swimming?_

_Edward: No_

_Me: Why?_

_Edward: Because, (1) we don't have a pool anymore due to Emmett accidentally biting into it when he hallucinated it being a giant marshmellow (Insert Edward rolling his eyes and shaking his head) and (2) I really don't feel like being stuck with the she devil for hours. _

_Me: Hmph! Come on, please?_

_Edward: Can't you ask someone else!?_

_Me: Everyone is out hunting......._

_Edward: .........wait where's Bella?_

_Me: She annoyed the crap out of me so I wrote her out the story this time_

_Edward: .................................._

_Me: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please!?_

_Edward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Me: FINE! HURUMPH!!! *Storms off*_

_Edward: Why do I have a feeling that this is just the beginning? O_O.......... (a/n Aw Eddie, you should know betterz bwahahaha)  
_

_*********In the backyard......***********_

_Me: Hmm.......Ooooh, this pipes are cold....do I detect water!? *rips pipes open with gentle tug*_

_Water sprays out everywhere...._

_Me: YAY SPRINKLERS!!! _

_Author (me yay!) breaks all the water pipes and has huge water party._

_Me: WOOOOOO.................uh O.O....Hi Esme......_

_Esme: O-o......_

_Me: Erm.....EDWARD DID IT!_

_Me: *runs like hell........again*_

END OF ANOTHER FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Me: *blushes deeper red* heh, heh........well, I was hot!

Edward: Mhmm......August 24, the paint.

Me: O _O

YET ANOTHER FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Me: EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD, EDWARD!!!!!! *Bounces in spot excitedly. Obviously*_

_Edward: *extremely annoyed face* What. The. Hell. Do. You. Want!?_

_Me: THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!_

_Edward: O_o.....BIRTHDAY!?_

_Me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M FIFTEEN!!!!_

_Edward: .........excuse me please. _

_Me: *Watches as Edward tries to throw himself out the window head first* _

_Me: *Grabs Edward around waist* You silly idiot. Come on! _

_Author drags Edward down the steps by his wrist. (Here's a hint. He's laying down. Get the picture now?)_

_Edward: *dry sobs in mind*_

_Me: ALICE!_

_Alice: YES?!!_

_Me: LET'S START_

_Alice: *SQUEALS AND BOUNCES IN PLACE. OH AND CLAPPING HER HANDS*_

_ME: BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Bella: GOT 'EM!!!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!  
_

_Me: ROSALIE!?_

_Rosalie: WERE READY TO GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
_

_Me: *Squeals and claps hands*_

_Edward: *is still dry sobbing in mind* O-O..._

_Me: *Whispers to Rose, Ally and Belle* Okay, on three okay?_

_Rose, Ally and Bell: *Nods and smirks*_

_Me: *Whispers* One.....two..... *yells really loud* THREE!!!!!  
_

_Rose, Ally, Bella and me dump paint on Edward._

_Edward: MOTHA F-_

END OF FLASHBACK MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *turns blue from blushing so hard* Um........everybody likes face paint.....

Edward: :|..................okay, then......5th of March..........

Me: *sighs*

HOW MANY F******** FLASHBACKS ARE THERE!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Me: EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEWAAAAAAAAAAARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

_Edward: *sits in corner banging head and dry sobbing* Why me. Why Me...........!!!!!  
_

_Me: EDWARD! THERE YOU ARE!!! LOOK! I WANT YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND NOILE! _

_Noile: HI!!!!!!!!  
_

_Edward: ..........................hello_

_Me: Don't mind my brother he's a baby sometimes..._

_Edward: AM NOT!  
_

_Me: Are too!  
_

_Edward: AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
_

_Me: ARE FREAKIN TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
_

_Edward: O.O!!!!!!! T-T!!!!!!! ESME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Edward runs off crying to his Mommy....*_

_Noile: Lol_

_Me: Okay Jazz you can come out now THANKS BRO!  
_

_Jasper: Where's my five bucks!?_

_Me: I threw it out the window........_

_Jasper lunges out window_

_Me and Noile: BAHAHAHAHHHAHAAHA_

_Me: Sucker.........._

END OF FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Alright, Alright I get it!

Edward: I doubt that....

Me: *Sigh* Come on Edward, this really is important and it's not a trick!

Edward: Hmm..........*Eyes narrow* ...........alright fine. What is it?

Me: Okay, follow me I'll show you what's wrong.

Author grabs Edward's hand and runs (vamp speed yay) down the stairs.

Edward: What is it??

Me: In here (points to kitchen)

Edward: Mkay..........?

Me: *sticks fingers in mouth and whistles really loud*

Edward: O-o!?

HUGE dog comes running into the room

Edward: WTF!?!?!?!?!

Me: I FOUND HIM! CAN I KEEP IT!?

Edward: you sure that's not jacob?

Me: No not really. This thing is pretty huge.....

Ripping sounds come from the back round.......

Edward: O_o..........Um.....you should turn around......

Author turns around

Me: SETH!?

Seth: SUP!!!!!?!?!?! got any food!?

Me: .........SON OF A B-

_**Heh, heh...............O_O.......... Anyways, I would like to dedicate this story to one of my new friends and one of my readers Noile! YAY!!! *CLAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* LOL i gotta go feed Seth ;D**_


	36. Edward POV

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward! Have you seen Seth? I was supposed to walk him.... *BWAHAHAHAHAHA*

Edward: *Shrugs* Hey, just a quick question, but do you think I look like that guy Rob Pattinson?

*Author averts eyes to Edward and then to picture of Rob Pattinson picture that random appears out of no where may I add, from that very weird new movie 'Twilight'*

Me: No, not at all.

Edward: Okay thanks

Me: Mhmm

***Short; yes. Over; Heeelllllllllll no! :D***

_**next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

Edward: BELLA!!!!!

Bella: WHAT?! I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE YOU DEATH SON OF A BITCH!

Edward: O-O.... T-T!!!!!!!!!!

Bella: Oh my poor baby!

*Bella picks up Edward like baby and rocks him back and forth while singing hush little baby lullaby)

Edward: :)

Me: .............If that's not considered weird, then I speak fluent Czech.

Emmett pops out of no where

Emmett: You don't.....

Me: .......... :/ *Author turns to readers* Guys? I'm sorry but, I'm going to have to keel him. I'm sorry Emmett fans, but he gots to go. Avert your eyes.

*Author stalks creepily over to Emmett with a daggering death glare*

Emmett: O,O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: EDWARD TAKE OVER THE STORY! *Lunges at Emmett*

**********************************************

Author (Edward now): Um.....uh.......erm......what do I do?

*SCREAMS AND PUNCH SOUNDS; NOT TO MENTION THE CHAIN SAW, ARE HEARD IN THE BACKROUND*

Me *still Edward people*: Umm.....Well, I guess I have to continue on with the story then........ um.....BELLA HELP ME!

Bella: Don't ask me! I don't know how she does it! But whatever she does, people seem to like it well enough, so maybe we can do something good too! Just think of something entertaining and fun!

Edward: Okay! :D!!! Um.....okay I think she did something like this.........

**Twilight; Not quite smart, but semi-funny Edition**

**Edward: It's better than retarded. That's so uncuth! (A/N wtf is uncuth?)  
**

Me *Is it even necessary that I say that it's still Edward?*: Bella!

Bella: Yes?

Me; How are you today my love?

Bella: I am excellent

Me: That is absolutely remarkable.

Bella: Indeed

Me: Am I granted the permission to ask you a question?

Bella: Of course

Me: Do you have the pleasure of knowing what the square root of pi is?

Bella: No, I do not know that! Gee willikers! I need to brush up on my studies!

Me: Indeed!

Bella: My dear Edward, would you mind telling me, the square root of pi?

Me: Indeed! It is;

1.77245385

(A/N i think so.........)

Bella: That is fasinating!

Me: Indubulately!

Me: now, shall we review our french verbs?

*Real author comes back*

Me: *YES REALLY ME!* Phew, I'm tired as hell.....what I miss?

Edward and Bella suddenly become funny again

Edward: We-

Me: No need, I'll just read what you did from up top.

Real author reads up top

Me; ........... *slowly turns to Edward and Bella with even more scarier death glare than before*

Edward and Bella: O_O.......

Me: (in extremely scary man's voice) .............Run.

Edward: *Knows better and runs like there's no tomorrow*

Bella: Wha- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Author (MEEE) Runs after Edward and Bella.

Me: WTF!? THE SQUARE ROOT OF PI!?!? YOU SON OF A B-

Edward: IT WAS ENTERTAINING!! WASN'T IT READERS!?!?!

Readers: ....... *readers take out guns, baseball bats and chain saws*

Edward: MOTHA F-

_**Wow.....You know, I'm sorry you had to suffer threw that.........YOU'RE TRYING TO GET UP!?!!? *Power drives Edward* NOW WHAT!?!?! Wait..........wait!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! CRAZY EDWARD FANS WITH TORCHES!!!!!! *Runs like hell for I don't know how manyth time* :) **_


	37. Haunted

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward?

Edward: God! Every freakin day you always have to bother me!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU CRAZY B-

Me: Bella died

Edward: ............. O_O......................

Me: I'm so sorry Edward! It was an accident......I may be half vamp, but the vamp kind of weighs more than the human........if you know what I mean.... :(

Edward: .......O_O...........................

Me: BAAAA!!!!! YOU KNOW I'M JUST PLAYIN!

*Author nudges Edward's arm before leaving the room......still laughing*

Edward: ................O_O.....................

_**Lol I'm so mean..........Next week.............**_

Edward: *whispers to Rose, Ally, Em, Jazz and Bells*I can't stand this Author. If I have to even so much as see her shadow, I'm going to kill something.

*Bella slowly backs up* O_O.....

Edward: Bella, I said some _thing_, love. Not some _one. _

Bella: Oh okay :)

Rosalie: Well, I don't know. I kind of enjoyed her being here....

Jasper *mumbles under breath* Only because she's a bitch like you.......

Rosalie: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?

Jasper: O_O......Lo sentimos, no Inglés hablado aquí ... Si desea llegar a alguien, pulse no, por favor dejar un mensaje en el pitido. PITIDO!

(Sorry, No english spoken here... If you would like to reach someone, press seven! If not,  
Please leave a message at the beep. BEEP)

Rosalie: *Snarls* Usted idiota de un hijo -

(You idiotic son of a-)

Edward: ALRIGHT, ENOUGH! This is not what I called you all to come here for!

Rosalie and Jasper: *rolls eyes* Fine. What is it then Edward?

Rosalie and Jasper glare daggers at each other, arms crossed.

Emmett: Must be that twin thing.......

Bella: Agreed.....

Edward: Okay listen up. Here's how we're gonna get the she devil back..........

_**NEXT DAYYYY........................... O_O..........**_

Me: *is sleeping peacefully on bed, face covered with my long hair and arm*

*AND NO I DON'T SNORE!!!! :p*

Edward: GOOD MORNIN YOU RAY OF SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *Bolts upward* WTF!? Edward!?!

Edward: *Edward is in gangsta rapper outfit* TRU DAT MY HOMIE! DAT IZZZ MY NAME BE YATCH!!! WHAT CHO NAME IS!?

Me: *Mouth is on ground* JASPER!!!!!!!!

*Jasper strolls in room*

Jasper: Hmm?

Me: What did you do to Edward?!

Jasper: Neudělal jsem nic k němu. Pokud byste se chtěli dozvědět, co je s ním, pak možná byste se měli zeptat jeho. Teď dobrý den.

(I did nothing to him. If you would like to find out what is wrong with him, then maybe you should ask him. Now good day)

Me: !?!?!?!!?! WTF!?!?! Jasper!? what did you say!?

Jasper: I don't opakovat sám. Jsem strašně líto. Teď musím jít. Sbohem madam

(I do not repeat myself. I am terribly sorry. Now, I must go. Goodbye ma'am)

*Jasper leaves room*

Me: What. The. Fuck.............?!

Edward is currently on ground break dancing and spinning on his head to rap music.

Me: Edward listening to rap!?!?!! BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Throws covers off and jumps out of bed*

Me: BELLA WHERE ARE YOU!?

*Author (meeee) runs all around the house at vampy speed and still can't find her*

Me: WTF! Where's Bella?? She spent the night, and it's only 5:18 am!

*Holy mother ducker! (yes i meant ducker) it's only Five in the f in morning! :o*

_**About five minutes laterz, I finally found my big sister Bella. In Emmett and Rosalie's room.........**_

Me: OMFG WTF!!!!!!!!????????? MY F IN EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Bella and Emmett are in a very heated make out scene*

Bella: :O U-um.........oh god!*turns very deep red*

Emmett: Oops........

*Edward bursts threw room*

Edward: YO! WHAT THE FUCK BELLAZ!? YO DAT AINT COOL BITCH!

Bella: I'M SORRY E DIDDY!!!

(A/N E Diddy?? O_o?)

Me: .................

Edward: UH-UH, HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ TO THE NAW! NAW BITCH, YOU GOTS TO GOOOOOOOO PEACE!!!!!!

*Edward strikes rapper pose before runnin' out the room at vampie speed*

Me: *Mouth is literally on ground......*

********10 minutes later*********

Me: *is sitting on couch in living room* What's wrong with my family.........Edward and Rosalie just........ *Gags* Bella and Emmett!!! CARLISLE AND ALICE!!!!!! ESME AND FREAKIN JASPER!!!!! OMG....OMG..... *Author starts rocking back and forth with scared expression* O.O........O.O........OMG.......OMG.....OMGGGGGG...........

Everyone: HA! GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *jumps out of skin* WTF!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

Edward: *is on ground laughing* HAHAHAHAHA YOU FELL FOR IT!!! PAYBACK IS A BITCH!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*After everyone stopped laughing.........four hours later...........*

Me: *Is still staring at Edward*.........................

Edward: *is getting nervous* o_o...........

Me: *Eyes turn red*

Edward: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *Whips out Edward's greatest fear*

Edward: *runs off screaming like girl*

Bella: Wtf................His greatest fear if a f in bunny?

Everyone but Edward and Bella: Long story......

**_lol when Edward was human, a bunny ate his cake and he cried.....The end XD_**

**_Next Month..........April........ :)_**

Bella: *cries eyes out* T-T!!!!!!!

Edward: Love, what's wrong?? :(

Bella: I-I W-w-was re-remembering w-w-when y-you l-l-l-left m-me! T-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: O.O...... I'm sorry love!!!!!! :'(

Me: .......... *i'm still not talking to Edward or Bella, so I'm just gonna be silent*

Bella: *Scoffs!* Sorry!?!?! YOU LEFT ME IN DEPRESSION FOR SIX AND A HALF MONTHS AND YOU SAY FREAKIN SORRY!?!?!??!!?! Oh no no no heh heelllll no.

Edward: Be-

Bella: HIT IT!

*Kelly Clarkson's Haunted starts to play*

Bella: *stands up on stage, which randomly appeared as do all the props in this story*

*Oh and Bella is wearing tight black leather pants, with a low cut spaghetti strap red halter top, thigh high black boots with very high heel, red lipstick and her hair is in soft curls down her back. Go 'head Bella! Work it girl!!! *

Bella:

Louder, louder  
The voices in my head

Edward: *still drooling from how hot Bella is*

Bella:

Whispers taunting  
All the things you said

Bella: *points to Edward*

Faster the days go by and I'm still  
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here

Bella: Time

In the blink of an eye  
You held my hand, you held me tight

*Bella flashes her ringed finger* (Ooooh nice Edward, nice)

Bella:

Now you're gone

And I'm still crying  
Shocked, broken  
I'm dying inside

Edward: :(

Bella: *Bella turns her back to Edward*

Edward: Lov-

Bella: *Turns back really fast, hair flying onto her neck*

Where are you?  
I need you!

Edward: O_O

Bella: Don't leave me here on my own!

Speak to me

Be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me!

Edward: *swoon*

Me: :|

Bella:

Shadows linger  
Only to my eye  
I see you, I feel you  
Don't leave my side  
It's not fair  
Just when I found my world  
They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart

*Bella steps down from stage, walking closer and closer to a backing up Edward*

Bella:

I miss you, you hurt me......

Edward: I'm sorr-

Bella:

You left with a smile.....

Edward: Love, I didn't me-

Bella:

Mistaken, your sadness

Was hiding inside

Edward: :(

*Bella flips her hair*

Bella: Now all that's left  
Are the pieces to find!

Edward: I-

Bella:

The mystery you kept  
The soul behind a guise!!

Edward: Love, Pleas-

Bella: *pushes Edward's back to the wall*

Edward: O.O

Bella:

Where are you!?

I need you!

Don't leave me here on my own

Edward:o_o

Bella:

Speak to me  
Be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me

*Bella leans in close to Edward, as if to kiss him.....*

Bella:

Why did you go?  
All these questions run through my mind  
I wish I couldn't feel at all

Let me be numb!

I'm starting to fall!!!

*Bella slides down to the ground*

Edward: Bel-

*Bella springs up*

Edward: *jumps*

Bella:

Where are you?

I need you  
Don't leave me here on my own  
Speak to me  
Be near me  
I can't survive unless I know you're with me!

Bella: *leans back into Edward*

Where are you?

Where are you?

You were smiling.....

*Music ends*

Edward: *MAJOR SWOON*

Edward: Let's do-

Me: Um, hello? I'm still in the damn room........

Edward: Damn!

Bella: :(

Me: Don't have to tell me twice*

Me: *Runs like hell out the room*

_**LOL That was interesting. :) Nice going Bella. More to come people. Just please be patient with me. I have 102 degree fever, my nose burns, everything hurts, my throat is raw, and I'm freezing, but I can't punish you guys just because I'm sick. I had to write more for yah! Enjoy please! Oh and review :) That was Kelly Clarkson Haunted :D Oh and Jasper is speaking Czech :)  
**_

_**I need more medicine......... :( Byeeee!!! :D  
**_


	38. Being sick can be deadly

Twilight: Retarded Edition

Me: Hey Edward

Edward: Why are you in your pajamas?

Me: Because, I'm still tired, I just got out of bed, there comfortable and I'm sick.

Edward: Oh. Well, do you need anything?

Me: Just a miracle

Edward; Why?

Me: Because I've been sick for two and a half weeks

Edward: O_O

Me: Yeah, I know

Bella: You sound so weird when you're nasily.

Me: Gee, thanks. And don't blame me. Blame my burning stuffed up nose.

Edward: *Gives tissues* Maybe we should get Carlisle

Me: Nah, I'm sure I'll be fine later. I'm- *Sneezes really hard* Ow..... just going to go back to bed. Bye Edward, Bella.

(A/N I really did sneeze just now.....that motha effer hurt lol :) )

******a week later********

Me: *Coughs* (sniff) God, I have a bad headache

Edward: *Feels forehead* You're temperature is higher than yesturday......

Me: No kidding......

Edward: :|

Me: *sighs* (pulls self up in a sitting position) *Hugs Edward* thanks for trying to help Edward.

Edward: you're welcome.

Me: I'm still tired.....'Night

Edward: good night :(

*****Next Afternoon******

Edward: Carlisle, she's still asleep........that's not normal. I mean, she's always up early on Saturdays. Sick or not!

Carlisle: Um.....son? She's not sleeping.

Edward: O_O..........What?

Carlisle: Look at her Edward, I mean really look at her. She's not breathing.

Edward: WHAT!?!?! But. but, she's a vampire!

Carlisle: She's _half_ vampire. That kind of breed die easily.

Edward: 0_0.....no....this is a joke right?? I mean, if she's.......then how is she still writing this story?

Me: Uh....hey, um Edward. This is errr....Random Person. I kind of took over when my little sister took a dirt nap......... T-T!!

Edward: O_O............

Esme, Rose, Ally, Bella, Em, Jazz: :'(

Edward: O_O!!!! Author? Gab?? Gabrielle? Come on you have to be asleep right???? RIGHT?!!?!

Real me: -_-........

Edward: o.o..... T-T!!!!!!!!!

_**LOL XD Okay, here's what REALLY happened......oh come on it was just a joke! Enough with the tears! :(**_

Me: *yawns*

Edward: How are you feeling?

Me: Better.

Edward: Good

Me: Heh, see? You do like me after all!

Edward: :/

Me: Hehe! *hugs eddie*

Edward: *sighs* I hate my life.......

_**LOL Edward is turning emo? O-O!! OMFG!!!!!!!!!! BELLA GUESS WHAT!!!!!!! **_

_**hehe. And yes, I am feeling Better. And I was sick for like two and a half weeks. :( **_

_**:)  
**_


	39. What Time Is The Last Story?

**Twilight Retarded Edition**

Me: Hi readers, and all you guys out there. Anyways, as you all know, I have written quite a few stories that I'm swamped with, including Just call and I will save you, Break it down Cullens, Why birds didn't go near rosalie in BD, Be my hero and the sequel to No Rosalie Dont!, Rosalie.....NO!.

So....yup. Anyways, I just wanted to inform you that this is indeed the last chapter that will ever be posted in this story. I thought I could think of some good stuff to put in here to keep it up and runnin, but really.....I can't. I have nothing :(

Me: So, I won't burden you with bad news. I indeed have thought of a last minute story, so I'm just gonna type it down below. ENJOY THE STORY! :)

*********************

Me: Hey Ed!

Edward: *grumbles* what is it now?

Me: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!

Edward: *In thoughts* I know what she's up to! *Out loud* IT'S SUMMER TIME!

All:

What time is it?  
Summertime  
It's our vacation  
What time is it?  
Party time  
That's right, say it loud

What time is it?  
The time of our lives  
Anticipation  
What time is it?  
Summertime  
School's out, scream and shout!

[Emmett]  
Finally summer's here  
Good to be chiilin' out  
I'm off the clock  
The pressure's off  
Now my girl's what it's all about

[Bella]  
Ready for some sunshine  
For my heart to take a chance  
I'm here to stay  
Not movin' away  
Ready for a summer romance

[Edward and Bella]  
Everybody ready, going crazy, yeah we're out  
Come on and let me hear you say it now, right now

All:

What time is it?  
Summertime  
It's our vacation  
What time is it?  
Party time  
That's right, say it loud

What time is it?  
The time of our lives  
Anticipation  
What time is it?  
Summertime  
School's out, scream and shout!

[Rosalie]  
Goodbye to rules  
No summer school  
I'm free to shop till I drop

[Jasper]  
It's an education vacation

[Rosalie and Jasper]  
And the party never has to stop

[Rosalie]  
We've got things to do  
We'll see you soon

[Jasper]  
And we're really gonna miss you all

[Rosalie]  
Goodbye to you and you

[Jasper]  
And you and you

[Rosalie and Jasper]  
Bye bye until next fall

[Rosalie]  
Bye bye

[Rosalie and Jasper]  
Everybody ready going crazy yeah we're out  
Come on and let me here you say it now right now

Everyone;

What time is it?  
Summertime  
It's our vacation  
What time is it?  
Party time  
That's right, say it loud

What time is it?  
The time of our lives  
Anticipation  
What time is it?  
Summertime  
School's out, scream and shout!

[Edward and Bella]  
No more wakin' up at 6 am  
'Cause now our time is all our own

[Rosalie and Jasper]  
Enough already, we're waiting come on let's go

[All]  
Out of control

[Others]  
All right  
Everybody  
Yeah  
Come on

[All]  
School pride lets show it  
We're champions and we know it  
Wildcats  
Are the best  
Red white and gold

When it's time to win we do it  
We're number one we proved it  
Let's live it up  
Party down  
That's what the summer's all about

[All]  
What time is it?

[Bella]  
Summertime is finally here

[All]  
Let's celebrate

[Edward and Bella]  
Wanna hear you loud and clear now

[All]  
School's out

[Emmett and Jasper]  
We can sleep as late as we want to

[All]  
It's our time

[Edward, Bella, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie]  
Now we can do whatever we wanna do

[All]  
What time is it  
It's summertime  
We're lovin' it  
Come on and say again now  
what time is it  
It's party time  
Let's go and have  
The time of our lives (more) (less)!

*Edward, Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Em and Jazz all strike a pose*

Me: .........actually, I just wanted to know what the time was.....

Everyone: .......mother fuc-

**Hehe, so yeah, that's pretty much all I had :) Thank you all. And yeah, I'm serious this time. This is the end :( Bye!!! Check out some of my other stories and stories of others (pun :) ) *Waves* Bye!!!!!! :D**


	40. Contest

**Twilight Retarded Edition**

Me: *walks onto stage* Hey guys! I know I ended the story, (unfortunately :( ) but I have some news I think you might wanna hear.

Edward: not really....

Me: SHUT UP! *Drop kicks off stage*

Me: Hehe *smiles sweetly* Okay anyways, what I wanted to say was, I got this awesome idea. I'm gonna hold a contest. Whoever is reading this, **PAY ATTENTION**!

Okay first off, here are the rules. One, no copying off anything. Meaning, nothing that's been over done. Like the MSN, AIM, MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, any of that crap. **MAKE IT YOUR OWN!**

Okay, Two, the deadline is November 12, 2009. (That's plenty of time right?) Anyways, and thirdly-

Emmett: Is that even a word?

Me: *Shrugs*

Emmett: .....

Me: Anyways, thirdly, It has to be FUNNNNAAYYYYYYY!!!!

Okay, here's the contest. Whoever can write the funniest story, and upload it before the deadline, will indeed be able to have Twilight Retarded Edition as their own story.

Everyone in Cullen family: WHAT?!?!?!?!

Me: yeah I know. I'm crazy...

Edward: we already knew that, but WHAT!? Come on! I know I hate you and all, but you can't give up the story! It wouldn't be the same without you!

Me: Uh yeah, because it wouldn't be my story. Duh....

Edward: :(

Everyone else: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US!!!!

Me: Don't worry guys! At least I'll have the pleasure of knowing that I created this story... :'(

Everyone: :'(

Me: *In sad voice* So yeah, whoever can make a funny story, uploaded and mail me to tell me it's done, will get Twilight Retarded Edition as their own. So START WRITING! I'll see you all soon! (I hope) Love you all! Ciao! :D

**Bye!!! :) AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL! ;D  
**


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